How to Forgive a Cheating Wife…


By Kevin Jackson, Infidelity Expert and Author of the “Wife Cheated Report”

“How to forgive a cheating wife?” is one of the most common questions I get in the thousands of emails men have written into me over the years. So today I’m going to give you the beginning of the answer to this complex question of forgiveness.

Why Forgiveness is Important

It might seem obvious, but if you’re unable to forgive after your wife cheats you’ll be stuck with a feeling of resentment toward her FOREVER. In my book that’s no way to live a life. Not only does it rob you of happiness – it’s even bad for your health.

If your marriage is going to survive and thrive, you must find a way to forgive her. The good news is there’s a specific series of steps you – and your wife – can follow to move forward along the path to forgiveness. This is critical to your recovery process, so listen up bucko…

Should You Forgive?

Before you can tackle the question of HOW to forgive, the first step is to figure out if you even SHOULD.

One place to start is my Four Factors For Healing when your wife cheated – here’s a quick review:

First, the No Contact Message. That means your spouse must send a clear message to the other person that there will be no further contact between them.

Second, Full Access. Your wife needs to provide complete access to phones, online accounts, and email so you can confirm the affair has ended. (Like Reagan used to say, “Trust, but verify.”)

Third, Remorse. Your wife should feel and show a DEEP remorse for having cheated on you. If she doesn’t, that’s a red flag – after all, how can you forgive her if she doesn’t feel that bad about ripping your heart out?

Fourth, Disclosure. Your wife needs to disclose everything about the affair that you want to know to resolve any remaining questions you have about what happened.

How Do You Forgive a Cheating Wife?

One of the biggest myths about forgiveness is that it’s unconditional. This is total B.S. – at least when it comes to someone you have a continuing relationship with.

In a marriage, your wife’s actions are a necessary part of the forgiveness equation. That’s why the four factors listed above are so essential.

And don’t forgive because you think it’ll make you feel better, or because you’ve been taught it’s what “good” people do. Instead, forgive because your wife has earned a more positive response from you. (A great resource for more information on this concept is Janice Spring’s book, “How Can I Forgive You?” Many of the ideas I have about forgiveness were influenced heavily by her work – I’m forever grateful.)

Why Men Forgive Too Quickly

When we first find out we might think “Oh my god. My wife cheated on me. I have to find a way to forgive her and move on.” But there’s problems with this line of thinking:

If you forgive the cheating too quickly, before your wife has earned it, you’re engaging in what is known as “Cheap Forgiveness.” This typically comes from being stuck in the first two stages of the grief process: denial and bargaining. You are in denial of how hard it is to get past her affair, and you are bargaining that if you forgive your wife, the pain will go away.

You might also be seduced into Cheap Forgiveness if your wife is moving towards ending the marriage and you believe you need to be a “bigger man about it” to convince her you’ve chanced and that she shouldn’t leave.

The problem with Cheap Forgiveness is that it doesn’t last. It’s not REALLY forgiving – all the issues are still there, plastered over with a thin veneer of words – not with a change in your heart.

7 More Misconceptions About Forgiveness

I want to share with you 7 more misconceptions about forgiving a cheating wife – since clearing up these misconceptions is the first step toward genuine healing:

You must be ready to forgive before starting the process. Not true. You may never “feel” ready to forgive your wife. Beginning the process can help those feelings come.

Forgiveness is a one-time deal. Not true. It’s something you’ll have to revisit often. Remember – recovery is a roller coaster.

Forgiveness is all or nothing. Not true. Real forgiveness is often a matter of degrees. You may forgive her for certain parts of the affair much easier than others. Fortunately, you don’t have to forgive 100 percent to heal yourself and your marriage. But pay attention whether or not you can forgive enough to get your own sense of well-being back… and only you know what that feels like.

Forgiveness removes negative emotions. Not true. You’ve been traumatized and when you’re reminded of the trauma your hurt feelings are going to show their ugly heads. This is natural. Over time, the negative feelings will get less frequent and less intense. Forgiveness isn’t the magical antidote to the emotional trauma of infidelity – though it can help a lot

Forgiveness means you think the offense wasn’t bad. Not true. It was bad, but you are choosing to do your best to let it go to the extent that your wife earns your forgiveness through her actions.

Forgiveness means reconciliation. Nope. These are two separate processes. You can forgive and still get divorced. On the other hand, not forgiving at all and staying married – now that’s one damn bitter pill to swallow.

Forgiveness just helps the violator. Actually, it helps you as well – to get past the hurt feelings and heal the marriage.

Avoid these misconceptions and you’ll have the foundation to begin the journey toward genuine forgiveness.

Kevin Jackson

PS: Your next step? Download a free copy of my special report “The 7 Biggest Mistakes Men Make When Your Wife Cheats.”

It’s real important you get the information in the report. It’s helped thousands of men in your position. Just click the button below to get it now:

Kevin Jackson is an internationally recognized infidelity expert who has helped thousands of men recover when their wife had an affair. He’s been featured in popular news outlets such as The Huffington Post and Bloomberg Businessweek, and he is the creator of a proven 4-step approach that gives men the “blueprint” to successfully heal from infidelity. If your wife cheated on you and you want to recover as quickly as possible, grab his free report “7 Big Mistakes Men Make After Women Cheat” or his powerful eBook system “Survive Her Affair.”

101 thoughts on “How to Forgive a Cheating Wife…

  1. Great, great interview which I will relisten to several times.

    My wife had two brief sexual encounters with a man she met at the gym. She has acknowledged them and,although she has not shown deep remorse, I am clear what they were about and that they are over and believe my foregiveness has been complete. I have no known charge on them.

    Subsequently my wife met another man with whom she trains daily and continues to train with. While I do not believe they have had sex, she has acknowledged that they have conversations at a certain level of intimacy and that he, unlike me, really gets and listens and understands me. Although she chalks up her relationship with him as “just friends”,I think she realizes otherwise and it sure seems so to me. (Emotional Afair 101) There is distancing from me (which of course is met with that I distanced from her “years ago”) and the common event of any inquiry of her being met with defense and any little thing ending in blowup. She considers the gym to be the place where she can be herself and “at peace” so wants me to stay out of there which I have.

    I am doing a lot of work through you and others on myself in regard to relationship. I believe she would love (and need) to do such work, but I am clear that is up to her.

    While the possibility of divorce is obviously upon us, we continue to live together (we also work together). My requests to re-engage in creating the relationship that we envisioned and stood for 18 years ago is met with resistance seemingly expressed as a fear that by so recommitting she would again “lose” herself as before (She is writing a memoir,”What ever happened to Hilary?”,about her having lost herself and the steps she has and is taking to refind herself.)

    I get where she is at. I have compassion,I believe. Yet day to day I am in limbo not so much about where things will end up but about how simply to relate in the moment.

    For example, while deep remorse is missing, from her perspective there seems to be nothing to be remorseful for (and there may in fact be nothing for her to be remorseful for, at least in regard to this particular relationship). And while there occurs to be distancing in general,it may have not to do with any particular relationship other than ours.

    Again, my “pushing”, which I am sure occurs as needy and clingy, only sends her away. Whatever she is trying to sort out, me banging on the door is not particularly furthering.

    I guess my question, relative to your work, is where do I come from when “cheating” may or may not really be the issue?

    1. Trust me. When you think you know it all. You don’t know the half of it. Fortunately I had access to email that detailed months of planning and cover ups. While the act was twice (I think) the level of deceit was astounding

      1. To add to Steven’s point, after she’s cheated on you once, it will only get easier for her to do it again, especially since she shows no to little remorse. Also, ANY non-truth (lie) she ever tells you in the future will cause you to lose marital trust again. I was in it for ten years before I got off the roller-coaster. When the ride has a flaw (a character flaw in this case) stay the hell away from it.

    2. Mark, my situation was similar to yours. I traveled internationally for work and she was a stay-at-home mom. We both had plenty of opportunity to cheat.

      I discovered her infidelity via her cell phone records. They spoke multiple times a day but she told me they only “did it” twice. Important note: (“Once is singular and “twice” is plural and MUCH easier to say than 20 times although they may actually mean the same – to her.)

      Our kids were young. I was fully committed. She may or may not have been (women are great manipulators). We spent a small fortune on counseling attending many times.

      The worst part: my ex justified it by playing the ‘victim’. (Her mom has been married/divorced 5 times and infidelity certainly existed.) My ex clearly didn’t have a good role model of a mother growing up.

      I tried like hell to get over it. Ten years later, the resentment was still there, and possibly growing and I filed for divorce. Today, I WISH I could call her a close friend, but a strong friendship required trust.

      Your situation seems clear and, like my ex, she didn’t show deep remorse because she DOES NOT HAVE deep remorse. Without that, you have no chance of success, not even and inkling. Furthermore, she is having an emotional affair. If they haven’t hooked up, they will – guaranteed.

      You need to bite the bullet, my friend, and file for divorce. Before do that though, prepare yourself well. Hide all the money you can, even if its $10 at a time. Look through all your photos (prints) and little by little, take the ones that matter most to you. Look at other assets you might own, land, your car, anything and get her name taken off. In some instances, you can do that without her knowing. Remember, she DESTROYED the huge investment you had in each other and, at a time of divorce, let her keep as little as possible. She brought it on herself, by choice, and took your “marriage portfolio investment” to bankruptcy. You owe her nothing.

      All the best to you..

      1. Mark, my situation was similar to yours. I traveled internationally for work and she was a stay-at-home mom. We both had plenty of opportunity to cheat.

        I discovered her infidelity via her cell phone records. They spoke multiple times a day but she told me they only “did it” twice. Important note: (“Once is singular and “twice” is plural and MUCH easier to say than 20 times although they may actually mean the same – to her.)

        Our kids were young. I was fully committed. She may or may not have been (women are great manipulators). We spent a small fortune on counseling attending many times.

        The worst part: my ex justified it by playing the ‘victim’. (Her mom has been married/divorced 5 times and infidelity certainly existed.) My ex clearly didn’t have a good role model of a mother growing up.

        I tried like hell to get over it. Ten years later, the resentment was still there, and possibly growing and I filed for divorce. Today, I WISH I could call her a close friend, but a strong friendship required trust.

        Your situation seems clear and, like my ex, she didn’t show deep remorse because she DOES NOT HAVE deep remorse. Without that, you have no chance of success, not even and inkling. Furthermore, she is having an emotional affair. If they haven’t hooked up, they will – guaranteed.

        You need to bite the bullet, my friend, and file for divorce. Before do that though, prepare yourself well. Hide all the money you can, even if its $10 at a time. Look through all your photos (prints) and little by little, take the ones that matter most to you. Look at other assets you might own, land, your car, anything and get her name taken off. In some instances, you can do that without her knowing. Remember, she DESTROYED the huge investment you had in each other and, at a time of divorce, let her keep as little as possible. She brought it on herself, by choice, and took your “marriage portfolio investment” to bankruptcy. You owe her nothing.

        All the best to you..

        1. thanks for sharing your story ken, I’m in the same process of selling our 2 homes and getting rid of my favorite truck because Texas is a community state and i don’t want to end up bankrupt or forking over everything I worked for to my unfaithful housewife, just wanted to ask you what about the kids? Did you get joint custody or custody and end up paying her childsupport? Would appreciate the feedback and great advice !

          1. my wife and I have been together since we were 15 we got married young at 18 after 4 of years married she has an affair with a co worker. she did not tell me about it until now 5 years 2 kids (which are six years apart )later. she told me this right after we got married in our church. I don’t know how to deal with it. I was her first and she was mine. When I look at her all I see and think about is her having sex with another man. I can’t believe it, always knew my wife to be so innocent. Love hurts

          2. I have the same problem when i look at her i just think about that she cheated on me , and i see myselfe as a jerck , i dont know i want to forgive her sometimes and sometimes not

  2. mark, its as plain as the nose on you face…..she`s using you and playing you!
    quit acting like a closet cuckold and find a decent lawyer……
    its obvious that your searching for any (bad) reason to forgive her but she don’t
    give a rat`s ass about your person, your manhood or your devastated heart.
    dump the douche bag ……and in a short time you`ll find a real woman that loves
    you and that you can love!!
    PS…its ridiculous to forgive if the offender has no regards/respect for forgiveness….

    1. To add to Steven’s point, after she’s cheated on you once, it will only get easier for her to do it again, especially since she shows no to little remorse. Also, ANY non-truth (lie) she ever tells you in the future will cause you to lose marital trust again. I was in it for ten years before I got off the roller-coaster. When the ride has a flaw (a character flaw in this case) stay the hell away from it.

  3. @mick – this is easier said than done. I look to this place (SYWC blog) as a refuge to come to for compassion, not judgement.
    @mark – you’re taking steps, making effort by educating yourself to make your and your partners life better. Kudos to you. I don’t know what to say to you man, but good luck in whatever decision you make. I do know however that life is too short my friend to be playing vicious games with the heart, unless you guys enjoy that type of milage. Only you know how much you can take before somebody gets hurt (put into REAL danger, harm), and like Kevin suggests, this is undo stress – not healthy. You deserve more. You and your wife both do. Remember this though, you’ll be strong enough to endure, no matter the decision. This is your life’s path. Soldier on.

  4. Kevin,
    Here’s my experience, which may prove useful to the other guys consulting this list. Your comments to the guy whose wife cheated on him, but won’t admit it, resonated with my own experience. I have to tell the other guys here that the psychological pain of having an unfaithful wife lasts for years, maybe even a lifetime. I have been through hundreds of hours of therapy and I thought that the infidelity that ended my first marriage over thirty years ago was in the past, but in the last few weeks it started surfacing in my dreams, and obsessing me like it did (X10) when it first happened. It was like turning a pile of compost that looks dry and dead, and seeing that here are layers that are still steaming and hot. I pride myself on having a high level of psychological self-insight, but I became aware that I actually repressed some of the most painful aspects of it, as a coping device. Now that it’s coming back to me, I recognize that I haven’t finished with it yet. That’s what drove me to check out your site, and I really appreciate how you talk straight, in a way designed for men, not just the women’s magazine psychobabble version that makes it all seem sort of normal. A man should not get used to the idea that his wife is having sex with other men, period.

    I can’t tell the whole story in one post, but I’ll focus on what I had repressed, and how it is still hurting me to this day. I was going to university to get my degree in psychology. This was during the 1970’s, and the whole New Age/Psychology Today/ Esalen claptrap was in vogue. My wife and I had lived in a Buddhist meditation community together when we first met, and we were both very sincere and dedicated spiritual seekers who meditated and did yoga and read from spiritual books all day, as part of the community we were living in. We were both very pure beings, and it was simply not even in the realm of possibility for me that my wife would ever contemplate committing such an impure act. We were happy together during this time and I thought that I had found my soul mate. I was very idealistic and very naïve.

    We left the religious community and I decided to go back to school and finish up my degree so I could get better jobs. My wife worked at a bank, and I took a heavy course load to finish school quickly. That created a power imbalance in our marriage, because I depended on her for all our income. She began to be resentful about not having a career of her own, and she started doing free-lance journalism, which I encouraged. She began to get a lot of by-lines in newspapers and magazines for her feature articles. With her newfound career, she began to hang out with a group of writers and journalists. She lost interest in maintaining the daily meditation rituals, which I kept faithfully, as well as to all the moral teaching from our Buddhist lamas. I was Mr. Dudley DoRight, living a clean and pure life with my one love for all time. I noticed that she was adopting more and more secular values and attitudes, and seemed to be withdrawing from me. I thought that this was just a phase, and I was determined to get a good job so that she wouldn’t have to take on the whole burden of paying our bills.

    She began to spend more and more evenings away from home at night, “working on a story”. It seemed true, because she was publishing regularly, and I wanted her to have a life of her own. And, man, did she ever! I first noticed something changing in my sex drive towards her. I had to initiate sex every time, and she turned me down most of the time, claiming to need her sleep. Finally, I got resentful and stubborn, and I stopped asking at all. Then there was no sex, for months at a time. She occasionally would grant me some very tame, disinterested love-making, like she remembered that she had a chore to do. I was so morally upright that I would not even allow myself self-pleasuring, so I was sexually frustrated most of the time. It got so bad that I actually accidentally came in my yoga pants while doing a bow pose in a yoga class. That kind of shocked me, to see my sexual energy coming out in strange ways. I doubled down on my program of self-purification, to make sure that such an unwholesome thing never happened again.

    After about a year of this misery, she announced out of the blue that she was leaving to “find herself”. OK, this is what I just retrieved from my memory bank, after thirty years in the basement. As she was leaving, she was carrying a handful of her toiletries, and out rolls her diaphragm! It was like a psy-fi movie, rolling slowly across the floor and landing at my feet. She turned crimson red and I blanched white. It was the second most embarrassing moment in my life. Embarrassment is not a strong enough word. My heart actually seized up, like I was having a heart attack. We both knew what that Freudian slip meant. She was planning to have sex with other men. Turns out, she had been having a very lively sex life the whole time with her boyfriend, a man ten years older than her who was a nationally published journalist who started out mentoring her and ended up fucking her three times a week, while she was “out on assignment” for her next article. She never mentioned him to me the entire time, and she never admitted that she had the relationship, ever. I found out about it through one of my university instructors, who knew the journalist.

    On some level, I think that she chose not to admit it to me because she did feel morally conflicted about it, and she did appreciate our comfortable domestic life together. She knew that I would be appalled beyond measure, and had she told me, I would have left her immediately. I colluded in this by not asking more questions about her frequent evening “assignments”. It was kind of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation. I really didn’t want to know, and she was too ashamed to tell me. I do appreciate that her conscience got the best of her, because she realized that she could not continue to live a lie, and had enough integrity to get out.

    Of course, her high-end boyfriend got tired of her after a few months, and kicked her out to go live with her parents. That was some consolation to me. I think that he got off on the taboo aspect of it and when she became a housemate, he got bored with her and moved on to the next conquest. Man did I ever get the scales ripped from my eyes! My poor little heart was shattered, and my religious faith was severely tested. I thought that living a moral life was the ticket to protect me from misfortune, and all the while that I was being a good boy, never even looking at another woman, she was out balling up a storm. I didn’t have a date or sex for six years after that. My self-confidence was shattered, and the heartbreak has never really healed.

    The conclusion that I came to was that I needed to be more worldly and less trusting. I will never trust a woman with all my heart ever again. Trust but verify. The signs were there, but in the name of some lame version of spirituality, I chose to disregard them as insignificant.

    The bottom line is this: when your woman gets to the point where she is eagerly spreading her legs and laying out her pussy for another man’s cock and working it till he comes in her, you are finished as a lover. You might decide that you need to stay together for the kids or for all the intricate intertwining of your lives with family and finances, but dude, you’re toast. It’s best just to cut your losses and move on, so that you can recover your dignity and live with pride and self-respect. Infidelity is ‘game over’.

    Sadder but Wiser…

    1. They rarely admit they did wrong. This would admit they did wrong after all and the man is always going to be at fault. Understand the man has to change to. But does that warrant a discussion from her first? Was that discussion constantly ignored? Or did she feel she was in a corner and this was her out? Real issue is the marriage has deep problems. She acted on solving the problem in her mind. You did it your way.

    2. Wow thanks for sharing this story I can almost relate to your situation man but we have 2 kids, lots of assets and before I could just drop her cheating ass I had to untangle everything I shared with her. Sad part was she took the kids, she doesn’t work and I have to basically pay child support cause she decided to ruin our marriage. Your right tho, I will never trust a women fully again and the same thing happened wih the sex, I basically had to start it all the time and she came up with bs. But yeah, cut losses and move on, once a women cheats they will always be able to screw u over again and it would be worse if it happened later on the road, I’m glad it happened to me in my mid 20s

  5. I know I would like to live in the fairy tale world where being the good guy/ knight in shining armor means that things will work out but I have to agree with Zen Bens’ last statement. It takes a conscious act to betray your partner and when your wife thinks so little of you, so much of herself or just assumes that you are a constant regardless of what she does you are toast.

  6. Asymmetry of Men and Women in Response to Infidelity

    The first person, besides my second wife and my mother, whom I told about my wife’s affair that led to my divorce, was a woman friend who had confided in me previously about her relationship problems. I have learned to have good platonic relationships with women as I have grown older, something that I lacked the emotional range to do when I was younger. As I have been writing an account of that painful event in my youth and reading Kevin Jackson’s solid advice to men who have discovered their wife’s infidelity, I saw my lunch meeting with my friend as an opportunity to take a chance and talk about this difficult passage in my life. I really wish that I had been good friends with a woman during my first marriage, because I might have been able to calm down and make better choices during that turbulent episode. I have never discussed this with any other man on the planet, because it felt so shameful and taboo that I could not risk the loss of face that I would feel by relating this narrative to another man. I did not want to demolish the carefully constructed image of myself as a “real man” in the eyes of a man who I respected, lest they lose their respect for me.

    My woman friend is an intellectual and our conversations are usually about politics and culture. The undercurrent of sexual tension in the friendship is channeled into spirited debates on issues that we disagree on. She considers herself to be a radical feminist, and she relayed to me her own story of how her first marriage ended due to her husband’s infidelity. She shared how her pride was hurt by her husband’s actions, and how that broke the bond of trust that held the marriage together. We had a very lively discussion over my assertion that men and women do not have the same response to our spouse’s infidelity. She usually rejects out of hand any idea that men and women are not equal in any respect. That seems to be an article of faith for feminists.

    I explained that men have a more complex reaction to infidelity. In addition to the hurt pride and loss of trust, there is a visceral reaction in men that feels like a life-and-death existential challenge to our core sense of our being. One of the best concepts that I have learned from Kevin Jackson’s material is that men have a deeply programmed socio-biological reaction to infidelity that is so powerful that it often leads to violence and even death (hers, the other guy, or even suicide). For a man, the violation of his sexual territory by another man causes deep rage and a massive stress reaction that can last for months or even years, not just hurt feelings. I know from own personal experience that male PISD (Post Infidelity Stress Disorder) is a fact. It is encoded in the male DNA to go ballistic over his wife’s infidelity. It is a powerful and almost uncontrollable force that compels a man seeks to fight to the death to fend off an intruder on his sexual turf.

    There is simply not a parallel between the loss of social status for men and women due to infidelity. Women can find solace and support from other women over their loss, and they are usually regarded sympathetically by society. When a man is cuckolded publicly, the loss of social status is severe, and he receives contempt and scorn, not sympathy. This is why men will not discuss their pain with other men, because the more people that know of his failure to defend his sexual territory, the lower his social status descends. A man would rather suffer in silence, or drink himself to death, than to admit to having had the crown jewel of his heart stolen by another man, with his wife’s active complicity. Men really do have it way harder when it comes to infidelity.

    1. These accounts are fascinating. So helpful to read first hand accounts. Of course we can generalise about the male psyche vs female but some of these generalisations regarding the frailty of the male ego need checking. This is 2015 and like women we have come a long way.
      I think any modern, well read male can understand that female infidelity has a lot more at it’s root than sex.
      The loss of social status presupposes that one is even slightly hypnotised by such a nonsense.
      Social and sexual status anxieties are cancers fed by media. The sooner “ego driven male simpletons” understand and believe this the sooner they can start utilising their precious processing power figuring out
      1. Is this worth fixing or is it time to move on.

    2. “It is encoded in the male DNA to go ballistic over his wife’s infidelity.”

      Of course it’s not, as human beings aren’t monogamous to begin with. In fact, even females of monogamous species still “cheat” on their partners with fitter, stronger, more beautiful and younger males, as they are the ones with the best sperm. Human females aren’t different – we are a “seasonal” species, where couples get together for a short period of time – so the male will protect the female while she is pregnant – splitting up after a year or so. That’s why we still remains “in love” with someone for a short period of time (and then fall out of love and, if we keep together, are able to fall in love again with the same person, and that can go for years)

      Human males are meant to fight with other males to prove they are the best sexual partner for a female human (strongest, fittest, youngest adults are the only desirable males, and the only ones who should get to reproduce, naturally speaking), and that anger comes from that competitive nature.
      That anger is never projected on the female, though, and that is the cultural aspect of it.

      The pain many men feel is a kind of macho complex sociocultural conditioning. These men care much more about the social aspect (other men) than the actual relationship, trust and love between him and his partner because they were trained to believe a man is deserves more “respect” if he has more sexual conquests, more sexual prowess and, of course, if he can secure his woman will remain faithful forever. Which is absurd, as you are not responsible for another person’s faithfulness and having more sexual conquests/prowess doesn’t necessarily makes you a better man/person in any way.

      1. I have to disagree with you on this. Having been in a twenty year marriage and having no desire of conquest and no desire of having multiple partners did not change the response of rage due to the betrayal of a cheating wife. Even before marriage there was no urge of conquest, I only had two sexual girlfriends before my wife. My anger also had nothing to do with “macho complex sociocultural conditioning” it had to do with complete betrayal and heartache from a wife that was so dismissive, she could care less how her actions affected me. Her complete lack of emotion and how her actions would rip my heart our was probably the hardest part, her spreading her legs open for other men and blaming me for her actions was equally as painful.

  7. Me and my wife both are recovering drug addicts well in the earlier part of the year we both relapsed , after relapsing we separated and while separated she slept with another man im heartbroken…sghe wants to work things out now that we are both clean how can i get over it and how should i look at this situation

  8. Guys: I am in desperate need of your assistance. Last year I started a new job that put me working with our town “flirt” who is also my best friend husband. I loved the attention I received from him and openly engaged in the “flirting behavior,” but no lines were crossed and we never had long, intimate, private chats. We simply flirted. It was all in the open and I thought harmless, however my husband was hurt and is convinced we had a affair. I DID NOT! When I realized the harm I was causing I ceased the behavior and the flirt and I resumed a professional relationship.

    The problem is my husband refuses to believe this. I have apologized repeatedly for my inappropriate behavior and have made other significant changes. One of the reasons I was so taken by this flirting, is that sexually my husband completely ignores me and has not interest in sex. I am only in my 40’s and this drives me crazy. We have had a sexless marriage for 10 years and I loved the attention I was getting. This does not make my flirting appropriate, but it lets you understand why the behavior was addictive.

    It has been over a year since this has been resolved, but my husband simply cannot “get over it.” I discovered the other day that he subscribes to Kevin’s daily email, which seems to only reinforce this falsehood in my husbands head.

    Now my husband has befriended a female co-worker to lament with and is upset I discovered their friendship. I don’t think they are having an affair per say, but their emotional entanglement is not helping my cause.

    I am trying to salvage my marriage and have done everything possible. We have a big Christmas vacation planned with the kids and he is refusing to go. I am devastated and do not know what to do.

    Any suggestions would be most helpful.

    1. You have a REAL problem. Most of these others are pride. 10 years of no fulfillment? Why? He does not believe you? Why? You two need professional help and you need to start all over from scratch and work at love. You must insist on sex and good pleasing sex first of all. If a woman can’t get a man to at least try he is either gay or not worth it. Sorry to say that. This is a basis for all else in love.

  9. Reading all these comments makes it harder to share my experience , but when I found out about my wife .we’ve been married 15 years we met in college and have two young children we’ve been separated for 5 months . I came to find out she was having an affair when i noticed she would go out to places she never would go before she contacted a friend of hers shed known before we met on those stupid social sites and saw him commenting on pictures of her. I then saw pictures of them on a weekend getaway they were embracing each and kissing in these pictures . I couldn’t imagine of what went on that weekend I was crushed to think my wife was doing all these thing with another man . I confronted her about and couldn’t deny it to me . She new she was guilty . She confessed to the whole thing . I came to find out that this was going on for a long time . And came to find out from a friend who she would tell what she and the other guys how she loved it so much because I would not do those things to her. I cannot come grips with forgiving her the thought of another man being all over her body and what he did to will haunt me how I have a sexual relationship with with those thought and if she’s thinking of him while we have sex . It’s to much to handle and forgive.

    1. my wife done same with my mate cant blame him hes a man she opened her legs for him and continues to do so they both stole robbed my stuff ripped my clothes and he wouldsleep with her on my bed and leave condoms and other stuff for my kids to find. i do love her but shes pure evil all for money she brtrayed me

  10. Mu wife met an old high school friend. On facebook. For 2 weeks she met him a few times for dinner met his family for dinner and then she broke it off stating he shouldn’t be taking advantage of someone who is vunerable.I read all the text in facebook there was kissing involved and sexual talk and something getting having a difficult time with this knowing what was said between them.she shows little remorse.we have been separated for 9 months then this happens.she was with me and doing this under my nose.we were having sex and later she’s texting do I deal with the hurt.we are talking.g.she closed facebook.terrible web site.marriage wrecking.

  11. Here is my story, my spouse cheated on me with multiple men on camera for the whole world to see. Unprotected and she even gave me a std. She left me homeless on the street. She was all i had and during the years together i drifted far away from all the friends i had. After she was told on by her friend that actually helped her get into that industry. We are back together but I’m having the hardest time dealing with the embarrassment. She Killed my ego and confidence. I was once an overly confident social person. She doesn’t even show any remorse. Help

  12. I can’t say yes to any of the questions in your first paragraph. BUT I have ALL those suspicions. She took her wedding ring off and replaced it with a ring guard that surrounds her engagement ring. When I asked her where her wedding band was, she said the ring guard meant the same thing.
    Almost all the gifts I gave her she returned, exchanged, or never used. We’ve been married 55 years but about 15 years stopped having sex with me and very little affection at all. All this time she would talk about Marvin. He was a professor in the department of art where she was department head’s secretary.
    They worked together on the art shows often. When I would go to take my wife to lunch, he would be in her office or he would come in. He had a habit adjusting his crotch in front of her. Wife said he did that a lot. He gave her gifts, mostly a numbered piece of art. She recently told me she had to go to the President’s office with the Department head because someone in the Department told that he kissed her on top of her head. Wife told them it was because it was her birthday and she was not offended and thought nothing about it. The President ask why she didn’t slap him.
    They were seen together at the hardware store and at Walmart.
    I have no proof just very strong suspicions. Maybe I am making more out of this than it is. I am an old man (76) but I am not dead.

  13. A lot of heartbroken responses here and unfortunately I’m right there as well. Went camping with a long time male friend and my finance two nights ago. At 6 in the morning, which is when I fell asleep, they snuck out in the woods intoxicated and had sex. The next morning I panicked because they were gone, but was so naive, I thought something bad happened to them so I went out hiking looking for them fearing someone was hurt. After an hour of looking I went back to camp to start picking things up and she showed up at camp, looking rough and had scratches on her back. At that point I suspected something, but had so much trust built up I didn’t dare ask her. Later he showed up completely wasted as well and when he tried to drive off, his tire was flat. I drove over an hour to get his tire fixed and paid for everything because I knew he couldn’t afford it. The whole time he could look me in the eyes like nothing happened. On the way home I had to probe her about the night and she gave me different variations of what happened each time she explained it. She didn’t want to admit they went all the way, but he finally did. Now what to do? I already said I’d give her another chance but will not forgive her until she earns back everything I’ve ever known up until the point she cheated on me.

    1. This woman is your fiance? Damn, dude, dump her ASAP! If she would betray you with one of your best friends, while you were in the vicinity and could have discovered them, think what she could do with a smart phone app for cheater’s sites, where the risk of discovery is nil. She is not a good candidate for marriage. Save yourself a lifetime of misery and break the engagement.

  14. I cheated on my boyfriend, we where planing to move in my house he found some pictures in my in box in fb where i brag to my friend, i know i made a mistake i know what i did. I ask him to forgive me. He say he does. And hope the w time we can try again. I dont know what to do. To help him. I know what i did is wrong and it did not matter how many times even when it was only one time. My question is how can i help him even if we have no chance to work it out? I just want 2 help him get better even if we are not together any more.

    1. Wow… Finding out by stumbling onto evidence of you BRAGGING to a friend as if giving it up to some strange a-hole is something to be proud of when you are in a serious relationship is a major kick in the balls
      The best way for you to help him is to just stay away from him IMO
      That’s really horrible

    2. One someone’s cheated the relationship is never going top be honest. Even if they say they forgive yOu . There will always be resentment and doubt. :-/ move pay it and don’t do it again.

    3. Just do him the biggest favour!
      Tell him you made a hurtful mistake that you are truly sorry for, and move on.

      There is nothing of value that you could really offer since its clear you dont really care. Just get out of the way so that he can get over it and find someone good for him.

  15. I was married to a beautiful girl. We were having great time together and I never even thought that innocent like her can cheat her husband. We did not even complete 2 months of marriage that I smelled something. I checked her mobile only to see that she has send nude pics to a bastard who is also was also a friend of mine and a relative’s of her. 2 months on, I am still shattered. Well, I have decided to forgive her, citing, she is very innocent and that bastard was using her for last two years.
    I gave her everything and that pic episode happened when we were going for honeymoon.
    I am fixed, please advise.

    1. That sucks mate . Don’t let the innocence fool you again. I believed my wife was innocent for a long time , when I found out what she did I questioned everything and there where warning signs from years ago. Get a good councillor and talk to them without your partner. Get a couple councillor to help you together .

  16. My wife of 16 years recently had an affair with a member of my own family . To make it worse it was completely out of the blue in what I thought was a perfect marriage . There was no signs or clues I just happened to pick up her mobile one day and found text messages and pictures on her phone . All very dirty. I have never felt so let down and alone , my marriage was something I was very proud of and to find out what she had been doing broke my heart and crushed my world.
    The hard part is there is no explanation as to why except she was trying to escape her life. She instantly deleted everything on her phone so I only have her word on what happened .
    It’s like I have been left for dead emotionally . She wants to make it work no matter what and is trying hard but how do I ever trust her again. How will my marriage recover, or is it better to walk away and move on? I have a billion questions and if any one is thinking of having an affair don’t! It takes everything away for one person while the other gets to have the fun

    1. Hey Az, I’m in a similar boat! Been together 16 years. I found out by seeing the text messages one night after she’d fallen asleep. Got a huge shock. 7 months ago now, still haunting though really. It’s just like, a whole lotta stuff you thought you knew, that you based your emotions and decisions on, wasn’t real (that’s not quite true, but it’s how it feels).
      She very much wants to stay together, the affair is over and she’s repentant, but things are very strained, I’m up and down a lot. She was seeing him often, over a year. I really don’t know. So many questions eh. I keep imagining just walking away from it. We’ve got young kids and stuff, and it seems daunting to let it all end.
      I try and keep telling myself things ‘oh well, at least life is interesting’ and ‘if we’re gonna be apart soon, we might as well be nice and have a good time’ … but it’s hard to maintain that and it seems disingenuous sometimes. At times you are angry at her for being selfish and stupid, other times you are beating yourself up for not seeing it (both the affair and the fact that your relationship wasn’t as good as you thought it was).
      I keep looking externally for answers and advice that I guess you don’t really find … it’s like groundhog day a fair bit of the time. You want out, to end the pain and confusion, but you want to stay and work it out, but can you hang in there, and is it worth it?

  17. while my wife may or may not have slept with him I’ve caught her sending sexually explicit photos of herself to a man she works with. She swears nothing is going on between them and I’ve confronted him as well and he did what I expected and denyed the whole thing and in doing so throwing her under the bus and leaving her to the consequences of her poor judgement. One of the problems I’m faced with is did I do something to push her to think that this is an appropriate thing to do? She has shown true remorse for what she has done and I believe she is sorry. However I have offered her my willingness to forgive her, but she says she doesn’t understand how I can when she can’t forgive herself. I truly can forgive her and take her back but I fear she wont let me do it because she thinks she doesn’t deserve it and she wont get past it. Does anyone have any advice or similar thoughts they are willing to share? I’m really at the end of my rope with it and all I want is my best friend back but I fear she won’t let me take her back and love her again. I have left her to decide and gone to live with my grandparents for the weekend but I feel I can’t wait for too long when my life, my children are being ripped from me and I’m being punished for being a good man. Please I’m willing and open to advice and suggestions.

  18. Thanks for the blogs they really help, my wife had a affair but I love her so much that I am working on our marriage, some days it hard and I say hurtful things, but it is coming I just have to remember that it is just as much my fault for the affair as hers.
    It is very hard guys but if you love someone as much as I love her it’s worth it all.

  19. I can relate to a lot you say. My wife only had a 2 month affair mainly when I was on nights. Things were strained at home through pressures of families. She started drinking to much and in the end went on a dating site and met a sleazeball. I really struggled when it came out which only surfaced when she broke it up and he tried to blackmail her to see him .still. She broke down and told me . We are 2 years on now and have just celebrated our silver wedding but the pain still hurts. I love her so much. I think the main reason we are surviving is that she sat down and answered all my questions no matter how intima and I know how remorseful she is . Every day does seem to get a bit easier. I hope 1 day though that he gets his comeuppance.

  20. My wife was on affair with a guy she met with him several times after i found her extra phone i found she was sending him a naked photos and sex chat awful lot sex chat. now she denies that physically slept with him though. i find it v.hard o forgive her but her regrets was too much she cried and begged me thousands time not to leave her, and she swore over a hundred times she didnt sleep with him but only on the phone doing a sex phone calls i want to forgive her giving her another chance
    any advice??

  21. Respected sir, i want to share tragedy of my marriage. My spouse admitted that she had a femoral sex with any of her close relative two years ago. Is she telling lie? Is it possible that may be she was having full sexual intercourse rather than femoral sex. Please guide and counsel me. She swear that she was not having sex with him. Only femoral.

  22. my wife, my best mate left her mobile phone at home one day and i picked up a message from a guy claiming to love my wife, interesting i thought. I had asked her numerous times before if she was seeing anyone as there was a period where she was out, no text msg to alert me to her movements etc and things were tense to put it mildly. i phoned her at work and asked if i could have the pin to her phone which she managed to out off 3 times until it became a joke and bottom lined and said give me the fucking code to the fucking phone at which point she hung up, it was then i knew all the signs were in fact true and that my friends who were telling me i was naive and too trusting became very clear. i ripped all her clothes out of the wardrobe and put them in garbage bags right there and then. she tuned up about 30 mins later and the weirdest thing was i gave in and talked to her about what had happened because there was so much denial and bullshit this was the first real conversation i had had with my wife for about 6 months. the amazing thing was when i asked who she had been with, my initial thought was could you at least pick a guy with a better name than T.. it also turned out that my wife had sent me an email about this guy saying he was an “important” man, long story which is boring. anyway i lost my job and my wife left me all at the same time, things turned to crap to be fair. i hated her and in many ways i still do. i would however give my relationship another go. whats very clear from every break down between 2 people is that each party is in part responsible. i have tried very hard to front up to that and take ownership of the bullshit i brought into the relationship and i will be and am already a better person for it. i love her, i miss her i hate whats happened but i swear whichever way it goes we all need to front up and own a part of the problem and try to find a solution if possible. once this avenue is exhausted the building work to develop trust and personal confidence pretty confronting. i went one a first 1st date in over 10 years the other day and its trippy so best of luck all…….

  23. Great blog and I like to share my experience, I married for 4 years to a woman whom I loved so much, although I am not that expressive but I used to surprised her when its needed most, I never thought something is going wrong between us. We used to have petty fights on small issues but it used to resolve the next moment and I can be see her hugging after it gets over. I cared for her father when he was suffering from Cancer.
    Although I was not perfect but she knew that I loved her and cared for her.
    She used to chat/talk to her friends often and I never had any problem with her only I used to get annoyed when it started effecting our married life, like she being not attentive in her house hold work and responsibilities. But even after all this I never doubted her integrity and let her continue her friendship, although I asked her to let me meet her friend so that we all can have good time, but she plainly denied it. But I accepted her decision thinking may be I might be odd in their company but anyway that was me. She used to always check my phones or emails for whatever reasons but she never used to let me check hers.
    Anyway, one fine day I was checking her mail because I booked flight ticket for her online and wanted to be sure if she really got the e-ticket mailed. We used shared password repository on cloud so its easy to login to each other accounts, to my dismay I found more than I expected, I found some explicit chat on the lines of virtual sex literally plus I found their images, which they took themselves and shared among each other, their daring itself shattered me.
    I was shocked completely to see my wife with other man passionately kissing on bed and in one pic I can clear see her topless. I don’t know who this guy was but I suspect it must be the same guy. I confronted her immediately and she at first denied but when I gave her details she confessed to it.
    Saying that it was one time and now they are not seeing each other, and she was right because those images were quite old (she forgot to delete them from her email). But I think she was wrong to say it was over because I found some 1 month old drafted mails (never send) to this guy.
    I told her if things were not going fine between us then you could have talked to me or if you couldn’t control yourself I was there to talk you out of it, but you never gave me this chance, we used to share everything and I am surprised she never shared this to me.
    She actually never did effort from her side to sort out our differences and cut short our arguments (if any), she I think was completely distracted from her path and started ignoring her responsibilities and she confessed that it all changed when she actually found me caring for her father and their family, taking leave from work.

    For me and where I come from is totally not acceptable matter, how can she forgot that I was planning surprise for her B’day from weeks and involved few of our close friends, and it was perfect day for her when we all did a boat ride on her B’day, cutting cake and drinking wine while driving boat on canals, and she had no clue that I arranged all this taking day off from my work. But it was too late because she already had relationship with this guy before her B’day.

    I still miss those days and I still cannot believe that she did this to me, I only wish if someone can wipe out those 4 hrs out of my wife where I got to know about her affair. It was all going fine between us, and now its all over, I cannot accept her how much I try because I for one never cheated on her and always kept away from this thought, but I think she already planned to not to tell me about this affair and reading their chats it was quite clear that they planned to continue on this little adventure of theirs.
    I am not sure if she really made up her mind to not to contact her anymore or she is just fooling me, but sure their intention on chat never gave this hint.

    She not only betrayed and lost me but she also lost some of the good members of my family who look up to her and liked her, she really came out looser from this incidence.

    I am not sure to accept her or not but if I do I can never forget her deed and we will sure have fight over it and it can only get worse from here. Although she cries and tell me she will never do it again and it was one time but what she forgot is I also cried in front of her. Trust is lost and there is a big price for it, its most essential ingredient of marriage but then I think if it was me what she would have done?

    Well …. there is no end to reason on this matter.

  24. I’m in a tough conundrum with what I should do – I ignored all the signs of my wife’s desires for attention from other men; her preference for young male gynecologists, going out with unknown ‘friends’, the lack of time for me or the kids, while readily accepting her excuses for lack of desire in the bedroom for me.
    Maybe in some ways it was my fault that I had an unrealistic expectation of happy ever after, especially as I feel I gave everything emotionally and financially to try to build a home only to be betrayed…. but, we have kids. I don’t know… Even a year on I’m still so angry at her and it’s not healthy for me.

    1. First thing first from what you said, you did nothing wrong. Second being in a household were the parents are being resentful towards each other is probably worst for the kids than sticking it-out. Finally if you cant forgive her move on, it doesn’t matter who cheated first she is still going to get half your things. If it makes you feel better bang one of her friends.

  25. Hey guys

    After 6 years of marriage, I started suspecting my wife was cheating on me cause of her behaviour. She was constantly on her phone and wouldn’t allow me access to her phone. She changed her phone password and her email accounts. After I approached her about it, she still denied that anything was happening, and actually made me feel that I was the bad guy in accusing her of cheating.

    A week later, she forgot to lock her work email, and I found emails between her and a work colleague that confirmed that something was going on. I confronted her again, and she admitted that she was starting to have feelings for him. I asked what happened and she only admitted to holding his hand while at work outings. Its almost impossible for me to believe they only held hands.

    The emails I read was initiated by her, and ended off with him saying he misses her, and her replying that she’s thinking of him, and missing him too.

    Since that day of confronting her about the emails, which was on the 29th of December 2014, I have not slept next to her. In fact, she has not slept in the house. She was either by her sister, or parents. Yesterday, she moved out in to a rented flat, and says its cause she needs time to think about why she did what she did, and why she let it happen. She says she wants to make things right with me, but I don’t think that her being away from me is the answer. She also told me that she broke things off with the other guy, but I have no proof of that. That also only happened on the 3rd of January 2015. I know they still had contact on the 1st of January 2015.

    So my question is, is this relationship worth saving? She’s trying to sort her life out now, cause her job was taking all her time. It was a job that required her attention all hours of the day. I told her before its going to get between us, but she insisted that it wouldn’t. She is on leave now, and feels she needs to work on herself, and suggests that I do the same, before we start working on us. I don’t feel thats right. I feel that if she wants to save our marriage, then she will go out of her way to be with me, and to make sure that my trust in her can be rebuilt.

    I did nothing wrong in our marriage to make her do this. She was focusing all her time in the job, and the frustrations there, and this guy was there to support her where I could not.

    I still love her with all my heart. I think about her all the time, and I told her that I want to fight for her. But she’s going for a spa treatment tomorrow to help her relax, and get her head straight, and I’m sitting here, typing this at 03:30 in the morning, cause I’m looking for answers. And thats not fair on me.

    1. I married a man whom I thought loved me deeply. When I found out about his affair, his first instinct was to lie and there after his when I confronted the other woman, he went on to comfort her and apologize to her because I had ruined “such a wonderful day for them” He later said that he did that because he was trying to protect himself because his original lie would have got them in so much trouble… So instead of apologizing to me he called her and apologized to her. I was just an obstacle in their path to happiness. He never showed remorse. He just had excuses for his actions. He needed someone to make him feel good about himself… She complemented him a lot… Amongst a lot of other things. Funny thing is in spite of what he did, I was the one chasing after him, desperate to fix things.

      1. Been cheated On, I am a man who’s wife has cheated on me for years. The man always gets the blame in these things but I can honestly tell you that I know more women who have cheated than men! Women are MUCH more sneaky about it and go to great lengths to hide their indiscretions . There are many good men out there but it seems to me that women love the men who treat their wives badly and are always shopping for the women who are willing to sleep with them. Remember, every time a man cheats, he is with a woman who is cheating.

  26. I betrayed my husband not once, not twice but many times. I was looking for attention, appreciation and time from anyone, which the later part I realize, all I was looking for was him. I want to get his trust back. I want to win him back. He keeps on saying that he already forgive me but it’s as clear as the noon sun that he has not yet forgiven me. I want or marriage to work. If it will take my life time to pay it all back I will do it. Please help. I’m so frustrated.

  27. I am at a real crossroads as to what to do. I have to take some responsibility but the pain is still there. So here is my story. I have a very beautiful wife who is quick tempered and always had serious jealousy issues and depression. Soon after our marriage my job had me traveling to Europe a lot. On every night of every trip for 3 years my wife would accuse me of cheating in a relentless way. If I missed a call the vicious emails and texts would follow. She always treated me like a cheater but I was not until I had enough and did. a couple times with professionals but of course I never told her. During a time in Asia I was picked up litteraly by a woman. and a brief affair ensued. after a couple weeks I broke it off but the woman was crazy and had already secured every detail of me. She contacted my wife and sent pictures texts everything. I was busted in a terrible way. I of course went through hell and was prepared for a divorce but she wanted me back. However this of course validated the whole 5 years of her accusing me of serial cheating. 4 months later I was sent overseas again for a year with visits home every 3 months. I ensured she always knew where I was and what I was doing. we skyped every morning and night.

    During this time away I found evidence of my wife chatting with guys on craigslist. She swore she never did anything and would stop. During this Christmas visit it all came out she slept with 4 different guys from craigslist. in our home. all where from cities 2-3 hours away. She deleted her email account and erased her phone. So I only have her words as to everything. And she was pretty detailed so I don’t think she held anything back. She said the sex stopped 2 months prior but texting guy did not. I only found one contact and he knows to stay away.

    She is desperate to make it work. I will also add that she has always had a problem with alcohol as once it touches her lips there is no stopping until comatose. She says this 1 month time when the sex occurred she was massively depressed, suicidal and drinking non stop for days at a time. She says she just wanted to punish herself and be used she never knew there full names and they were all married too. She wanted no emotional connections. She was not really attracted to them in any way. (she is an extremely beautiful woman and I know it was these guys dream) but she is also very insecure and a bit narcissistic.

    So here we are I am back overseas for another 3 months. She has a camera in the house now I can monitor and I have access to all her phone backups. She has stopped drinking totally since this came out so about 3 weeks now. She is very sorry and we are looking for a therapist for her as she now admits she needs help as she does not know how she could have been so vile. I will also see the therapist when I get home.

    I am of course very mad, hurt and disgusted I never dreamed she would be capable of this. I basically told her I will try to love her again but the ball is in her court.

    Strangely it hasn’t really affected me sexually as we had a lot of sex while I was home. We always had a great sex life together and I do not feel threatened in that way. Its all the lies and cover-ups that are killing me.

    Well that is it I do not know what I will do going forward. It was nice to vent. I have told no-one of this until now

  28. hey guys

    What i am hearing from you just make me say something. my wife left me in search for a job and stayed with her mom. i had no problem because i thought she was near to work places where she can find a job quickly. she did got a job and wanted us to be together again for we stayed at my home at first. we did found a place to stay but my wife’s job took almost much of her time. we do not have a car so she uses public transport to come home and every time i would wait for her at the bus top when she comes home.

    i left her on the 20th 19th dec 2014 and went to see my dad and she went at her mom’s home for her mom requested that she goes. the next day she went to work and when she knocked off she went at our residence. when going there she called a guy whom she was in love with to take her home and she cheated on me. the following day i came and i found out that she did that. she tried not to agree until she did. she told me that they had time with the guy earlier and have been giving each other time and kissing. the guy will always take him from the job. i am angry even though she did showed that she did it once and will try by all means not to do it again. i don’t know how i forgive her.

    she did not have time for me when i call her. she would tell me that she is tired or say that she is in the taxi she will let me know when at home only to find that she was with the guy. even at the time she was with the guy at our house i was talking with her through sms but she did not ans. she did it later after the guy has gone and she told me that she was asleep. is there anything i can do….i love her and we have a kid.

  29. Hi guys…i just want to ask if this blog is strictly for married men. I have a girlfriend for almost 6 yrs now whom i caught having an affair with a married man while she was workin abroad. I immediately broke up with her as soon as i found out and she admitted everything including having sex several times. A month after i broke up with her, she came home wanting to try and hopefully fix things with me even though i made it clear that i won’t take her back no matter what. She made up a story for her boss to allow her to go on an emergency leave because she knows it would take too long if she will file for resignation and would also have to pay penalty for her contract. She said she wanted to go home sooner but she had to borrow money from her friends just so that she can come home as all her money is sent to her family being the breadwinner. I love her and i want to give her a chance but i am afraid of it happening again. I can see that she is really sorry and that she loves me but the memory of what happened still haunts me. We are trying to work on our relationship but constantly fights whenever i remember what happened. I love her but i don’t know what to do at this point. Sometimes i think it is better to let her go so that i won’t be able to hurt her. She also says that she sometimes thinks that she needs to let me go to make it easier for me to forget the pain. What do you think should i do? Should i let her go or should we try harder?

  30. Reading all these stories makes me feel rotten to the core. I am one of those who you speak of.
    I cheated on my partner. We have been together for 11 years. We were married for 3 months when I cheated. Our relationship had been going through an extremely rough patch – but that doesn’t make it okay – that merely tries to shift blame for my decision. Cheating is a decision – and I chose to cheat. It’s the most vilest thing I have ever done in my life. It has hurt and destroyed my partner. I will never ever do something like that again. It is horrendous. The pain and devastation it causes is irreversible.
    The person I had an affair with was hugely controlling and I developed an irrational fear for him. He constantly threatened to tell my partner everything etc. When I eventually told my partner – the person I had an affair with sent a long email explaining how long the affair had been going on – saying that I didn’t in fact want to marry my partner – that there are loads of sex videos etc. So much that my partner was told is not actually true – but who is my partner to believe? I became a liar and the deceit I put him through was horrendous. Anyway – we eventually split up. I developed a mindset that firmly believed my partner would be better off without me, that I couldn’t be trusted or relied upon, that my words and promises were meaningless – that he could do better – that he certainly deserved better – so I left. The person I had an affair with hugely obsessed with hating my partner. He kept blaming my partner for him and I not being together and he eventually sent very threatening messages to him so much so that he reported it to the police. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt horrendous, useless, dreadful that I had brought this on my partner and that nothing I did could “fix” things. During the separation – the person I had an affair with carried on and on about my partner and that it was only because of my partner that I didn’t want to be with him etc. Eventually, I came up with a “game plan” (I know… the second worst thing to ever do – but stay with me here….) – I thought that if I “gave in” to the person I had an affair with – left them think and believe I wanted a relationship with them – then when they realise things are not going to work – he could then no longer blame my partner for anything and my partner would no longer be threatened and I could at least keep him safe. I felt I needed to do this in order to get him off my back once and for all and in order to keep my partner out of the blame lane. He needed to see that him and I could not have a long term relationship and that it wasn’t because of my partner. It was because I didn’t want it – regardless of having the affair. He was an affair and that is as far as it went. So, that’s what I did – allowed him to think we could have a relationship and even moved in with him. After 6 weeks, we had a huge argument and I left. He assaulted me physically. (Which is fine – I did deserve it after what I had put my partner through). He couldn’t blame my partner. As far as he believed – my partner was out of the picture and I had no contact with him. This occurred in December 2014. I have been back with my partner since January 2015.
    The person I had an affair with – as I suspected – became extremely abusive and angry. He has now been harassing me, stalking me, threatening me, getting his friends to do the same etc. Things have got so bad that I have had to see a lawyer and report the matter to the police who are now laying a charge against him.
    My partner knows about all I have done. He has read all the threatening messages etc and has supported me in going to the lawyer and to the police. At least he now knows that there is definitely nothing going on with me and the person I had an affair with. He – of course – wishes I hadn’t done what I did because then we wouldn’t be going through the extra nonsense. The thing is – we would have gone through worse. He would have gone through worse and even though he said he isn’t fearful of the person – I am fearful of the person. I know what they are capable of and I was trying to protect my partner from that. I brought him into harm’s way – I tried to get him out of harm’s way by doing what I thought would be the best thing long term.
    I have been totally open and honest with my partner. I have given him all my passwords for facebook, email, and whatever else I use so he can freely check if he needs to. My phone is always available to him as well should he need to check anything on there. I will not hide anything from him. He said he wouldn’t check up on me. I have said well if he needs to – to not feel bad or guilty as I have absolutely no problem with it at all – he has an absolute right to. I have said that in order for us to make our relationship work – I need to be able to be open, honest and transparent – but that in being like this – things may still hurt him – but it’s the only way I can be now. He deserves that much from me at least. What I struggle with now is how to help him properly so as to not do further damage to him. He does obviously struggle with his emotions – it’s not so much the actual affair – it’s how I went about it – and what I did with the other person that has hurt more than anything. I want to be able to answer all questions put to me – but I do fear that it just throws even more hurt onto him. I loathe myself for what I have done to him. I hate seeing him so hurt, him thinking he is inadequate, not good enough… knowing that I have caused that – yet here he is still willing to take me into his arms and tell me how much he loves me and wants to grow old with me – how he wants to re-marry me so our wedding vows can actually mean something.
    How do I help him? How do I work through this with him? I do love him – very much so. I always have. I’ve never stopped loving him. Just because I had an affair does not mean I fell out of love with him. But that is a very difficult concept for him to understand. I just want to be able to reassure him when he is insecure, acknowledge his feelings when he has them, answer whatever questions he has, listen when he needs to talk, talk when he needs to listen. I will not put time limits on anything – even when he says there needs to be – I don’t think there should be because if we place time limits that means I’m agreeing to limit his feelings regarding me having an affair and I don’t think that’s right. I think he needs all the time in the world to be able to deal with his feelings and if it means I spend the rest of my life helping him do that – then that is what I will do.
    I would appreciate – if any of you would give me some advice – on how to appropriately help my partner. How do I see him through what I have done to him. I know I can’t change what I have done – but I can change how I conduct my future.

  31. My partner and I have been together since 2013. We have 2 daughters and were married in late 2013. Last month I found an old text message on her phone that changed my life forever. I found out that she had been having an affair.

    After I confronted her, and she lied, she eventually admitted to me that it began at the works Christmas party in 2012, and ended just 8 days before we got married. She brought him to our house and had sex with him in our bed twice. She had sex with him at his house when his wife was working away and also performed oral sex on him on another occasion. I was at home looking after our children and she told me she was going to the gym. She arranged another time to have sex with him at my house, but I came home early so she went for a drive and had sex in a field with him! She also went on multiple dinners with him, driving to a secluded location and kissing.

    The affair happened over the 12 months leading up to our wedding. It’s killed me. We have two children already, but to complicate matters further, my wife is pregnant with our 3rd! There’s no chance the baby is his because the affair ended a year earlier.

    What do I do?

    I’m stick in the house she brought him to and she still works with him every day! I still love her and want make it work, but I can’t stand the house and hate her being at work with him. I don’t want to lose my family.

    Can I make this work?

  32. My partner and I have been together since 2003. We have 2 daughters and were married in late 2013. Last month I found an old text message on her phone that changed my life forever. I found out that she had been having an affair.

    After I confronted her, and she lied, she eventually admitted to me that it began at the works Christmas party in 2012, and ended just 8 days before we got married. She brought him to our house and had sex with him in our bed twice. She had sex with him at his house when his wife was working away and also performed oral sex on him on another occasion. I was at home looking after our children and she told me she was going to the gym. She arranged another time to have sex with him at my house, but I came home early so she went for a drive and had sex in a field with him! She also went on multiple dinners with him, driving to a secluded location and kissing.

    The affair happened over the 12 months leading up to our wedding. It’s killed me. We have two children already, but to complicate matters further, my wife is pregnant with our 3rd! There’s no chance the baby is his because the affair ended a year earlier.

    What do I do?

    I’m stick in the house she brought him to and she still works with him every day! I still love her and want make it work, but I can’t stand the house and hate her being at work with him. I don’t want to lose my family.

    Can I make this work?

  33. I cheated on my husband 2 times and lied all the times but there was no sex involed need him to forgive me and had a pic of another guy what can i do for my husband to for give

  34. The church told us all the things debunked above. It was like I got bitten by a snake and they prayed over me instead of giving me medical attention. We tried to make it work for about 6 years after. I guess there was a part of me that figured it was too late to leave for that reason. But the truth is that the damage I sustained was pretty much making it impossible to have any kind of normal relationship with her.

    I tried to explain to her despite what we were told about forgiveness, she was never going to get to start from zero again. She was always going to be coming from behind. But that only meant that she needed to try just a little harder to reassure me. All she saw was that I already said I forgave her and bringing it up again was against the rules. From the church, “forgive others as you have been forgiven”.

    So, I don’t want anyone to think I am a crybaby. This isn’t run of the mill. She cheated with like 10 guys more than 20 different times, 2 of my friends, including my best friend, in my house, in my bed, with my kids’ friends’ dad. And since I left a year ago, she ended up having some other guy’s baby. Some guy she met in a bar. who doesn’t want anything to do with the baby. I guess it sounds kind of ghetto, but this was in an upper middle class suburban environment. Just completely insane.

    If you cheated, you really screwed up. If you don’t have the guts to admit that you did it because you don’t want your spouse anymore, then you are committing to being a caregiver to an emotional invalid until he or she dies. Everything that you do from then on will be seen through the filter of that experience. If you can’t stomach that, then get out now.

  35. my wife had a sexual affair with one of my employees while we were courting, 6yrs after i recived a message from an unknown fellow dat he will com for my 1st daughter which he claimed was his, she also recieved similar message. At that point i asked her what was going on?& she told me she had an affair wit one of my employee then, but she is sure it didnt lead to pregnancy d problem is dat d girl is 5 & her complexion looks like dat of d guy & she is different from my two other children in appearance as i dont have money for DNA test? Pls what should i do?

  36. I think i am one of the unlucky persons in the world.i lost my mother at the age of 13.My father didn’t marry after my mother deceased .in my childhood days my mother was my best friend in my world. My mother was the only person that i loved so intensely but i lost my mother at the age of 13.After that i lead a lonely life .I an not able to overcome the shock of my mother expiry .i didn’t have friends friends in my life .i thought that after my marriage i will get a good life companion .I searched for a long time to get a good life companion .i seek for a 4 long years after that i found one .she is not so beautiful but i thought she will be a good companion for me.
    My marriage was fixed and we started chatting each other .Two days before my marriage that girl called me and said that she had eczema .i told her i will not end up the relationship because disease is not because of your fault and i had married her.Our marriage life went happily for 1 month after 1 month i saw she showings signs of having another affair .
    I decide to go through her phone message i asked her to unlock the phone but she didn’t open it but i forcefully open her phone and i started reading conversation in whats app . i was shocked while reading those message all those messages that i read i that phone is so vulgar.she is send her naked photos to her adultery friends .she has 4 affairs at a time .she will be online while they where masturbating .
    Her character is like a prostitute .she didn’t felt guilty for doing this she had a boy friend while doing bachelors.They met met in hotel and had sexual contact .They had sexual contact while traveling in the bus also she will be online while he is masturbating.she likes this guy the most .
    She is also having other affair she had sex in the car ,in the hotel ,in train .they have sex talk with even when our marriage is fixed she didn’t even felt guilty for doing this
    .at the same time also she sit online for while the first guy is masturbating

    The third guy was only her friend but she sit online while he masturbate.They also had sex talk between them

  37. We are happily married model couple for the last thirteen years with two kids 11girl, 6boy. I had one and only one wish from her. I wanted passionate sexual intimacy once a day, but she could only give a mediocre intimacy once a month for the last 13 years. Especially no physical intimacy in first two years of marriage despite me making every day like a honeymoon day with spending more than 12 hours with her. Never shouted on her in the last 13 years even with this significant issue and others.

    Now I know the reason why she couldn’t fulfill my need. She had a lover before our marriage and they were physically intimate at the age of 17(wife) having it 3-4 time in a week. Sad part is after 10 years of breakage with him (due to our marriage) they got connected there years ago and having extreme passionate phone sex as often as they could. They talk every day at least for two hours(1005 of the available time between India and USA). And if they are not able to talk for a day they feels as they missed each other for year and she shows deep depression with me on that day. Another much more saddest part is when I approached her for intimacy just an hour after their extreme passionate phone sex she denied me the intimacy saying she is sick or tired(Happened mutliple time).

    Funny part is when I realized they are having the an affair I laughed to myself; how could she resorted to this destructive behavior without a single reason to rely on. As I said I never shouted on her in the last 13 years, I am romantic and huggy kissy, I have absolute no bad habits, gave her financial freedom unlike no one, I gave equal or more respect to her, I treated her parents like mine, I took care of kids so much my friends spouses wished they had an husband like me:-) and finally I had such a great work life balance that the rest of my friends envied it. the list goes on.

    Actually I came to know this affair in Jan 2015(Not Disclosed here yet), between then and now(05/20/2015) I showed much more love on her and made my wish crystal clear that I need LOVE. NO CHANGE whats so ever. Strangely I even became close to her lover and discussed in general about the lack of the intimacy between me and my wife and how strong I am in in general (to say I can give divorce) in the hopes they both get my thoughts very very clearly.

    All along she is crystal clear that , I pardon incidents but do not condone patterns. She clearly known that I do give divorce if I came to know it. Still me being very clear about my wish, me making it clear about consequences of patterned bad behavior , me showing the ocean of love until the affair and the universe of love after the affair the change I see in her is virtually zero. By the way the small change I was hoping to see in here she being intimate with me the same way she is with him.

    With universe of love I showed on her , I could not make her forget him after 10 years gap between them or even I could not make here show the same love she is showing on her lover. Could I keep after revealing their affair. Does she have mental capacity to suddenly change? Is she worth keeping in the name of the kids?

    Please advice. Should I keep her or divorce her.

    Please let me know if you have any additional information.

    Note 1 : I gave abundance of clues to both of them that I know the affair, they are in a shell made of of diamond that they are not able see through my clues.So far I did not reveal it to them openly.
    Note 2: I am preparing the divorce papers in the meantime.
    Note 3: I have audio and video recording from my home surveillance like bay monitors etc.
    Note 4: I never doubted my wife until accidentally she dropped a clue in the form of residential phone call logs.
    Note 5: I left my family in India in the April 2015 in the name of kids education in India.+

  38. I know some of you will probably say I deserved everything I got, but I still need your help to figure out how to move on.

    I met my wife when we were in college. She was a virgin from a strict Catholic family and I had been sexually active since high school. We married 2 years after graduation, had 2 kids, and for more than 12 years everything was great. I don’t know if it was due to stress from her job (CPA) or what, but she started putting on a lot of weight. Eventually it got to the point that I was not sexually attracted to her any more. We stopped having sex and I began taking care of myself in that department. I started hanging out on a dating site that one of my buddies told me about, but I really had no intention of hooking up with any of the women I met on there. I just got a kick out of chatting with them online, and some of the conversations got me going sexually.

    I met a woman on the site and we chatted quite a few times. At some point she asked to meet up with me. I turned her down a few times, but she was pretty insistent. I honestly had no intention of having sex with this woman, but I agreed to meet her at a restaurant one afternoon. When I got there, she was already there and told me to come to the booth in the back where she was sitting. I approached the booth and the woman had her back to me. When I came around the table I met face to face with my wife!

    She was very hurt that I was on the dating site and asked why I was on there. I explained that I was only on there for entertainment and I never intended to take it any further, but since I was there in the restaurant, she had no reason to believe me.

    She said she would do anything to get me to regain interest in her and since I had mentioned a sex party being my fantasy when I was chatting with her on the site, she asked if I really wanted to go to one. We ended up going to one, and it was interesting to say the least. While at the party, I didn’t engage in sex with anyone else, in fact, I didn’t engage in sexual intercourse at all that night. A young lady I knew from a mutual friend was also at the party, and I commissioned her to perform oral sex on my wife. This was something she had always wanted me to do, but I could not bring myself to do that to her. We had always had missionary sex and that was it. I didn’t think there would be any harm in having the young lady perform the act, as my wife would get the oral sex that she had always wanted from me, and I would be visually stimulated by watching the two women. The only thing the young lady wanted from me was a job, as she was working as a waitress and wasn’t making a lot of money and I am an attorney with my own practice.

    Fast forward to a couple of months later, when my buddy who had told me about the dating site invites me to a birthday party for one of his friends. This party turns out to be another sex party. I know I should have left the minute I realized what it was, but I didn’t. Something compelled me to stay. Stupid me.

    It had been so long since I’d had real sex (not solo sex) that I guess I couldn’t resist the temptation. I went in to one of the darkened rooms to have my way with one of the available ladies, and got the surprise of my life when I discovered my wife being pummeled by another man! I tore out of there like a tornado before I did something I would regret.

    My wife came home shortly after me and tried to justify her actions by blaming me for not meeting her sexual needs! I told her that was totally ridiculous and put her out of the house that very night. I has been 3 months now and although I miss her, I don’t think I can ever forgive her. Every time I think of her, all I can see it the other guy banging away and she enjoying it. The kids miss her terribly and I know she misses them. She was a great mother and a great wife until that party.

    After reading the stories here, I can say that I should take some responsibility in the demise of the relationship, but I can never erase that scene from my mind. How do I go on from here? Somebody please help me.

  39. Ive been married for 43 years my wife told me she had an affair during those 43 years and dose’nt regret it I haven’t been the perfect husband but I still feel hurt so what do I do

  40. My feance cheated on me , she shows alit of love to me and also she was with another man they slept together two times , now she left him and she told me everything she is sorry for what she did , now i want to forgive her but sometimes iam thinking about her and i think that iam jerck here , could you help me please is it better to forgive her or just ia have to left her?!!!!!

  41. I have been married for approx 10 years. At first sex was awesome truly believed she was the perfect person! Then everything stopped. Figured it was just a busy life in general/kids, ect. Fast forward 9 years, I caught my wife going through my phone. I felt like the earth shattered. I have been the person master aging for the last 9 years. So I began to take notice of what she did. Not good. Hanging out with the wrong girls eft. She came home with I just got the hell railed out of me hair, 3 different stories of where sh had been, shirt tuck into the back of her pants and smelling like men’s cologne . I started to send ghost text and have covers actions the were misleading not only because she was listening but to make her feel the way I felt. I also wanted to give her an easy way out. Nothing was said, we went on vacation and I just caught her texting him on the trip up! Wtf. Not sure what to do! She is the love of my life and I have a 4 year old to consider! Help

    1. So I sit here questionioning EVERYTHING that I have every know! I have never cheated even though I have been master bating like a 12 year old for the last 9 years. The more I dig the more I find out. Do I keep digging, do I bug her phone, start putting $ aside? All of this compromises all the reasons I got married for in the first place for! Do I compromise my morals and values just to figure things out? I guess I know the answer just need to hear it from others that are not emotionally as tied as I!

  42. I recently found out that my wife has been cheating with a coworker/neighbor. It’s been almost three months since the day I discovered the affair, and things are getting progressively better. We’re in counseling, she’s been completely honest from the start, she listens to all of my rantings and ravings and crying fits. I’m facing a few hurdles that you all might be able to help with.

    1. We’ve been married for 11 years. We have 3 kids. We were both virgins when we got married. How do I shake the feelings of jealousy that she got to experience someone/something new? What can I use to replace that special bond that said “We are each others’ first and only”? It was sacred to me, and now it’s been ripped away without my permission.

    2. Forgiveness seems too easy. I know she has to earn it, but this is the first and only time she’s betrayed me (boy, what a first!) I feel like I’m giving it before she’s earned it. And then some days I struggle to look at her. Thoughts?

    3. I feel like I need a grand gesture or something. I need something big to show that she really wants me and only me. Is that normal? What can that gesture even be?

    1. Yes mate I’m in the same boat little remorse shown and feel a big show is required,caught sexting through what’s app which led to them sleeping together he was a close friend !!

  43. So, I love this. Very helpful to me a couple years ago when I found out my wife cheated. Problem is…. she did it again and she meets all the requirments again… Do I go through this again?!? or is this it?

    1. It’s time to forgive and forget her. Sorry, but just leave. She is being emotionally abusive and selfish. Trust in this, she is just afraid to loose the security that you provide her, nothing more.

  44. My marriage I thought was perfect.My wife had emotional affair with a married guy online .They were sexting too.Even though it was a year ago my heart is still broken as she’s just swept it under the carpet and won’t speak about it.
    We have a child and have been together 18 years.The emails I read between them I could tell she loved him.
    Now I’m here feeling second best, I can’t leave me child.I still love my wife but have no respect for her.How can I even trust her again?

    1. Sorry but the truth is you should never trust anyone that much, not even yourself. All relationships should be started with the understanding that both partners are just as likely to cheat regardless of your feelings. Work towards transparency which is a “trust” that can make a relationship work.

  45. To all you good man out there Just do all your best that you can in your relationships or marriages. I have been married for 15yrs now but I was separated for 4yrs, I have learned that it’s NOT easy to LOVE your partner the same way you love yourself. We’re so selfish with no remorse of what your partner feelings are like. I cheated on my wife during the beginning of our marriage, thus it lead to our separation. After 4yrs I decided to ask for forgiveness and be joined back together with my family. It’s been 5yrs since we came back together but at the same time it’s been a living HELL. My wife has been accusing me of cheating with over ten different girls. The sad part about it none of the accusations is true. One day she tried to commit suicide because she thinks everyone is against her.
    She was taken to the hospital and that is when I decided to brouse through her cell phone little did I know she was having an affair with the weed man. After being admitted for a week she was diagnosed with ADHD and BIPOLAR. Ever since I don’t think I have been the same again, everything I do ( I see a picture of my wife having sex with another man, knowing they’re doing the things we do together ). The thing is she still denies all that I saw in her phone. Our two kids are drained from our dramas that you can see it in their faces full of disappointment. All am doing right now is taking care of my kids and a part of me still loves their mother but I can’t stop thinking of what she has been doing behind my back. I really need some adviceI will also salute all the couple’s out there that are 100% TRUE to one another.

    1. Understand that infidelity is a traumatic experience that can mentally cripple someone. Your wife’s mental state may be due to your past affair. Love the person and not the act. Support her if you love her. Forgive her in your heart but understand that she is emotionally crippled and may never get over the past and act out further.

    2. I feel your pain! I’ve gone through something similar (except I didn’t cheat on her). My wife is mentally sick and sometimes it makes her physically sick. She had an affair and still won’t admit to it. It’s a tough thing and I know a part of what you are going through. Last January, my wife was diagnosed with a couple personality disorders and anorexia. I haven’t been the same. At times I love the mother of my kids and other times I have some serious problems with the way she treats herself, myself, and our kids. Weird how love has kept us together, but I’m in the same boat…I don’t know what to do. I have a lot of respect for you because I know how it drains you emotionally. Life is not fair and you are a bigger person for going through it with her! I’m stuck myself!

  46. After completion of 24 years marriage life I got cought my wife in intimate condition with her colleague. Both are them teacher in a reputed school. Its really so tough to forgive her. I want to forgive but I can’t..

  47. All,

    I am so happy to have found this website. For the longest time I felt like I was the only one that dealt with these feelings (meaning my wife thinks I’m nuts because I don’t understand her perspective). We both come from religious households and we have now been married for 11 years. We’ve known each other for almost 20. I know this woman pretty well, but I never thought that my wife would cheat on me.

    I traveled a lot for work (usually weekly or at least 3 times a month). I’m sure this is a common thing, but my wife cheated on me while I was out of town. It frequently happened and I found some inaccuracies in where she was at times. Instead of calling her out on it, I let it ride to see what exactly was happening. Later I found out that she had an affair. This was almost 18 months ago and she still will not admit that she had an affair. She does however admit (after me pressing her like crazy) that she had an “inappropriate relationships” with 2 different guys. She says she never had sex, but told both of them that she loved them. My wife comes off super “lovey” and “righteous” to everyone. She is so deceptive, it blows me away. She just loves the attention! One was a masseuse and another was a friend of ours. I was blown away how she turns things around on me. Long story short, it’s been 18 months and she is extremely defensive. She will not admit to anything and as you can imagine, I have MAJOR trust issues with this. I’ve had all the typical signs, her asking a lot about my schedule, her starting to do cash transactions instead of credit card (for tracking), changing passwords, etc. I am 100% positive the guy was coming over to our house when I was out of town and during a short time when we separated. I cannot get the thoughts out of my head. I can’t trust my wife. If it wasn’t for my kids, I would not stay in the marriage. With the mistrust, we fight frequently and it is affecting my job and about every aspect of my life. We have two kids together and I don’t want to put them through a divorced family.

    I’ve told myself and I am committed to the marriage if she would only tell me the truth. This is a pretty big step because my wife has been diagnosed with a couple personality disorders and treats her body poorly (her doctors have diagnosed her as anorexic, although she lies to me about that as well). She is so deceptive and the tricky part is that I am 99.99% sure that she is not having an affair now. I am committed to the relationship because I love her deeply and I want it work out, but I don’t think I can work it out in my heart because she won’t come to me and be honest with me. How do I get someone to be honest with me when neither one trusts the other. I just want to build our relationship again, but I don’t think I can build it without trust.

    Please help!

  48. This is really hard and great stuff to read all at the same time

    I little background…….things I wish I knew more about……my wife was married twice before me and I do not have any knowledge of what happened in those relationships. She has three children being 26, 26, and 23 with the oldest form her first and the other two living with her second husband. When we started dating she also admitted that she has lesbian sexual encounters throughout her life and that did bother me or so I thought for a while.

    We met in our early forties through work and we both felt that we understood my work. I work away a lot and we thought we both could handle the work aspect and work hard to reach a common goal of freedom 55. We actually worked in the same location for the first 2 years of dating and 6 months of our marriage and things could not have been better…..never been so happy in my whole life. The location we worked at was a “dry” camp contrruction project so we worked hard and then when we went out on rotation we played hard and did a lot if fun things and it usually had some alchohol in play but it was all good and all fun

    Then she got transferred to another project and things started to go down hill as I started as she was clearly drinking much more and more often than I liked and this was also the case when I came home on rotations out of work.

    One day she said to me I think I would like to find a female friend to “play” with and I told her that I was not good with this as I think intimacy in marriage should stay between the married couple. Over a couple months she kept bringing it up and a gave in and said I guess if its never a man I will live with it…….such a mistake!

    While all this was going on her drinking was really starting to way on me as she started have a nasty swtich go off after a few drinks. Over a two year period or so I begged her many times to stop drinking and she would always say the she did not have a problem that I had the problem……I am sure some who read this will understand what am saying.

    I knew she was sleeping woth at least 2 women on an ongoing basis and this was weiging on me as well. Nothing worse than performing oral sex on your wife and she is drunk and says…..women do a much better job……..guess what I stopped doing for my wife!

    I continued to push her to stop drinking and I told her I was finding myself distancing myself for her and I told her I feared for our marriage…….it all fell on deaf ears.

    By this point we had been together for 5 years and married for 3 years of that time and we had spent 2-1/2 years of me living away on projects and only getting home for 1 week a month.

    Things kept sliding down hill as my wifes nightly drinking whether I was home or not home was really bothering me to the point that I started turning my wifes sexual advances towrd me away when she was drinking……and she always dirnks at night……If I tried to enagage her for sex in the morning or anytime during the day that she was not drinking she would always say ….you know I’m a night person……in other words or sex life went in the tank

    Ok…so things are really nad for sure but my wife has a horrific problem…..Achohol!!!!! I’m trying my best to get her to admit she has a problem and then things go from bad to worse……she gets laid off at work……and no…..its not because of the dirnking

    So……now I am away a lot and she has nothing but free time ……meaning she increases her drinking and is falling deep into bad thoughs like she is “obsolete”….as she puts it.

    Ok….we have a vacation property in the carribean and she decides she is going to go down and stay and that place instead of our actaull home……I begged her not to go as I was worried about the drinking increasing and to be honest I was actually starting to think she would chaet as our sex lives had gone to crap…..all I did was NAG and beg her to llok at her drinking.

    The wife and me already had plans t take the kids to the vaction property over the holidays so she said she was going “early” and left October 8th and the kids and myself would fly down Dec 18th.

    I talked to my wife daily and exchanged text messages etc like we always have but on Dec 6th she called me “drunk” and was crying and admitted to sleeping with a man……she started talking about suicide etc and I will say……I offered her forgiveness on the spot!!!…..we had a long talk and my wife admitted for the FIRST TIME ever that she has a problem with drinking and can not stop on her own…….and she agrered that she would go get help / rehab!!!……she told me she had cut off seeing the guy she had sex with and that was the end of that for me…..not saying I was over it by any stretch but I was more happy that me wife agreed to get help finally

    So…the kids and myself arrive for the holidays and like so manay others what do a find……she has not cut it off with this guy……text messages…,…..emails etc etc etc …..At this point I have already paid for a 60 day rehab program that she would go to after the new year ……not saying I would not have paid if I knew she had not cut things off with the other guy but it was like having my heart torn out.

    I have read thousands and thousands of words about achoholism and cheating goes with the desease. This why in part why her confession on that night did not shock me and I was able to rationalize what had happened.

    The really messed up part is that in a matter of weeks my wife formed an emotional bond to guess what…..A three time looser at alchohol rehab that was down at his vacation property on a run away……..alchoholics typically have no problem finding others that like to drink and party and or vacation home area is nothing hut a place people party.

    So…….my wife said before she left for rehab on Jan 18 that its offer sexually with this guy but he “understands” her……My wife is in rehab right now and can not use phone, internet etc for the first ten days……The last text I sent my wife before she got her phone taken away at the rehab was this… ” I am at the end of my rope and if you choose to call me when you get your phone back that is great but if you have anymore contact with this other guy or any other guy or girl for that matter do not bother.” She had a quick reply that she will not talk to anyone for 60 dyas and that includes me….I am good with that

    We had a lot of sober day talks over the holidays and she knows she is a mess and she really does not know what she will be thinking when she gets out……me …..him….nobody……..I told her that not matter what happens her getting clean and sober is all that really matters to me…..and that’s the truth

    Not that looks matter all that much but my wife is easily a 9 of 10 in the looks department and if she had finally just went to rehab and not cheated I would try hard to get her back or should I say start a new relationship with her….BUT…NOW……I have to think of all the things she did with this other guy and its eating me alive…….I have two huge hurdles in front of me……someone in recovery and my thoughts on what she has done with another man………not sure what I am going to do……BRUTAL!!!!!

    Be strong for yourself and for the ones we love … crazy at that sounds at times

    Sorry for the typing and spelling ….the spell check does not seem to working and I am to tired to read through this word for word

  49. You think your case is bad until you hear mine. I have ben married now for 11 years just found out my wife had a sexual affair with an ex boyfriend in 2012.She claimed it only happened once put she has continued to be in touch with him by phone secretly since as he leaves in another town.

    In 2013 apparently after the boy got married as he was still single then his wife sent a text message to my wife which I stumbled upon asking her to leave her man alone and accusing her of sleeping with him. When confronted my wife denied and accused the wife of been irrational and jealous and promised to break relations with him. She didn’t!. She accused me of not treating her well and that the boy kept telling her they both made a mistake choosing the wrong partners.

    When we had a heated quarrel sometime she said she would have waited and not left him for me although she saw me as a better prospect.Even though she knows him to be unfaithful.Sadly this guy doesn’t stand me in any way whatsoever…whatsoever,but that’s women.The boy is married now with two kids.

    We continued to be married. In late 2014 she took very ill and we had to rush her to the clinic only to find out she is HIV positive I also ran a test and came out negative. She denied having any sexual relations with any man outside marriage, although I found it impossible to believe I struggled and still accepted her and have been with her since with sexual relations now mainly through condoms and she has been on daily hiv drugs since then

    I have never been the same ever since.We basically just struggle with series of fights and settlement even though I haven’t been able to tell anyone of her status apart from the doctor who tested us. My own life has also spirrralled since I started suspecting her affair in 2012.I have slept with several women but never gotten into any romantic relationship.I even slept with prostitutes on my work travels but I still remain so unfulfilled.

    It may sound very easy to just walk away but I don’t know why its so difficult. We have four amazing children I could die for anyday.Our oldest is only 10 and the last twin girls just turned 5.

    Although she claims to be sorry for going to her vomit and promising never again.I am simply so devastated form all the hurt especially because it with a boy she claims to be just a good friend who consoles her on phone when she is down.

    She had a very ‘abusive childhood”as she claims to have been ill treated by her family including her mum and doesn’t have any good relationship witth them.Since we got married she has also gradually drifted and keeps having issues with people now even my mum doesn’t like her.

    I have been the only one really who has been able to deal with the effect of her terrible childhood as her emotional attitudes sometimes can be a real turn off.But she has been a “good” wife in terms of carring for the children but her complaints about everything just never ends.

    As you can see I am still so emotionally attached to her and my marriage but I am still so very resentful and cannot really promise to be more loving witth all tthese.She wants us to work things out that all she needs is Love which I think she doesn’t really understand the meaning of as I have stood with her through the most trying times even before marriage.She is only three years younger than me and I supported her through school and she is a graduate even though she has been unable tto get a good job and I have tthereforre opened up a fairly good business for her.

    I am really confused I don’t want to be a FOOL.I have carred for her since her status was revealed and don’t know if this revelation is enough to end it all.She is seeing a female counselor who she confessed to and the counselor has assured me she would change that her problems are actually spiritual from her childhood and she really didn’t know what she had gotten into.

    Bottom line I am confused don’t know if I can truly heal from the thoughts and resentment worse still knowing I am not a saint myself.Worse still I don’t know if all she is saying now is true and how far gone she is as she has kept a lie all these years even to the point when her status was revealed.She says she has never been with anyother man and only slept with this guy once and somehow believes opening up on her status to me was a sign she doesn’t want to keep things from me but was afraid of losing her marriage.
    I sometimes wonder whether God just wanted to teach her a lesson by letting this flip up end tragically and since I have also flipped although mostly in protest,would I be right to judge her harshly!

    My desire from childhood is to be a happy man with a wife and children who I love ant truly love me.I don’t know if all hope is now lost….

  50. Just found out my wife has been sending explicit messages to a work colleague, describing in detail what they want to do with each other amd what a slag she is for sex. We have hardly any sex for months and she is never affectionate towards me and blaming being tired from life/kids etc.

    I confronted her and she said it was just office banter gone to far!!!! I’m staying with her but just for my kids sake and in years to come when my kids don’t need us as much she will get her come upance and I will let her know what it feels like to have your heart and life ripped part like she has done to me. Bear in mind I found out about an affair 5 years ago, what is it hey say, once a cheater always a cheater.

  51. Hey i guys i been 8 years with my wife 3 kids , she end xheating on me , im feelin devastain i have 2 jobs gave her all i have , i cant stop thinki g that she was with another man it kills. Me everthing happe true social media instagram. Last moth felt like something wasnt right i hacke to her acount and yes she had sex once i wanted to die but i thoughy my kida man and i lover her she is asking me for forgeviness i see i. Her ayes but i cant look at her the same ilove my family my kids are the world to me , how can i forgive her and move on its so damn hard everytime im at work bs comes to my head and i feel worst , she ia doin everything possible to win me back but its to damn hard

  52. I need your advice on what to do. I am 46 and only married about 5 months. I did not catch her cheating only flirting texting with an old boyfriend for first 6 weeks we were married. It was not everyday either only 3 or 4 days a week mostly while she was at work. No emotional text being traded mostly chit chat. No sexting just about five or six inappropriate flirting remarks among many text..She also met him out one week after we got married on Saturday around noon for about 20 minutes at a Mexican restaurant to hear what he had to say. She said he was so hurt she got married and he wished it had been him. He asked her if she was happy.
    She also told me-She said she felt bad for the guy and he made her feel guilty and he was all alone. She said that they had text randomly over the last two years mainly him contacting her by text to vent or he just needed someone to listen to him.
    She also did say she enjoyed the extra attention and she kept it hidden from me because she knew I would be mad.
    I had seen some of the text they exchanged over the last two years but did not think much about it because it was so harmless. I also saw a couple of times where he was getting very emotional in some text and I saw her responses and she shut him down with dulling remarks. So, “I said well she is taking care of it and it appears I don’t need to get involved”.
    BTW- I had told her many, many times I did not want her communicating with him.
    She said that she did not think she was doing anything wrong and she did not like the fact I was telling her who she could and could not talk to while we dated or engaged.
    She cut off all communication and blocked his number before I found out anything after we were married. I found out because this guy (Faggot) wants us to break up and he sent me all the worst text he could to make her look bad. We both called him and he confessed that she had not cheated on me. But then she gave me full access to everything she has. User Id’s and passwords. She changed her phone number and created a new email account. He has tried to contact her a couple to times since I found out and she has told me each time he emailed her. I have even tried to trick her and she let me know. She has begged me for forgiveness. I have drilled her with questions for last two months and she has answered them all. She has gone to six sessions of counseling and we begin couples counseling today.

    I need your thoughts or perspective. Should I stay or go.

  53. Please call me. I need your advice on what to do. I am 46 and only married about 5 months. I did not catch her cheating only flirting texting with an old boyfriend for first 6 weeks we were married. It was not everyday either only 3 or 4 days a week mostly while she was at work. No emotional text being traded mostly chit chat. No sexting just about five or six inappropriate flirting remarks.She also met him out one week after we got married on Saturday around noon for about 20 minutes at a Mexican restaurant to hear what he had to say. She said he was so hurt she got married and he wished it had been him. He asked her if she was happy.
    She also told me-She said she felt bad for the guy and he made her feel guilty and he was all alone. She said that they had text randomly over the last two years mainly him contacting her by text to vent or he just needed someone to listen to him.
    She also did say she enjoyed the extra attention and she kept it hidden from me because she knew I would be mad.
    I had seen some of the text they exchanged over the last two years but did not think much about it because it was so harmless. I also saw a couple of times where he was getting very emotional in some text and I saw her responses and she shut him down with dulling remarks. So, “I said well she is taking care of it and it appears I don’t need to get involved”.
    BTW- I had told her many, many times I did not want her communicating with him.
    She said that she did not think she was doing anything wrong and she did not like the fact I was telling her who she could and could not talk to while we dated or engaged.
    She cut off all communication and blocked his number before I found out anything after we were married. I found out because this guy (Faggot) wants us to break up and he sent me all the worst text he could to make her look bad. We both called him and he confessed that she had not cheated on me. But then she gave me full access to everything she has. User Id’s and passwords. She changed her phone number and created a new email account. He has tried to contact her a couple to times since I found out and she has told me each time he emailed her. I have even tried to trick her and she let me know. She has begged me for forgiveness. I have drilled her with questions for last two months and she has answered them all. She has gone to six sessions of counseling and we begin couples counseling today.
    I need your thoughts or perspective. Should I stay or go.

    I wanted to give you a update from our therapy session yesterday. She explained it again there was not any sexting or personal emotions exchanged from her side but the 5 text that were overly flirty and questionable.

    She stated she felt sorry for him and he made her feel guilty for getting married. He did play on her emotions. He kept telling her through text that he had so much more to say to her and it needed to be in person. He stated to her he was sad that she did not marry him. It was discovered that this man could be emotionally unstable. But she did say she was trying to make him feel better because she felt sorry for him and she knew she liked the extra attention. But she then said it kind of became a game for her.

    Well after my wife told all this to the therapist the fingers all pointed at me for being mean and hateful to her. I was told I could be angry but could not take my frustrations out on her. I could not call her names anymore or belittle her about what she had done.

    I did call her on two occasions MF whore. But I have apologized.

    My questions to you are as you say in your book about the four things that has to be done.

    1. Full disclosure to everything

    2. Cut it off with him before I found out

    3. Answered all my questions

    4. She admitted to everything and apologized.

    5. Has shown guilt and remorse and has begged for forgiveness.

    But when she got caught she came clean. But I am concerned it came to quick and easy. I feel like more is still left uncovered. But I have interrogated her for last two months and I her stories and confessions have not swayed at all. I even threated to call the guy and have him send me more stuff.

    She has been going above and beyond as a wife since this happened.

    Should I believe her and give her another chance?

  54. I’m female, trying to forgive my boyfriend for cheating on me (through message, flirted with 2 different girls.) The first one was in February and it was sexual and he immediately regretted it. Since then we’ve done what’s necessary (blocked her on everything). It fucking hurt, and reading all of the experiences you men have had makes me feel like I’m getting upset over nothing. I have feelings though. Then towards the end of May he did it again, it might be nothing to you guys but it is to me because 1) already dislike my looks and 2) of the previous incident. Asking another girl if she’d fuck him (not asking for sex, just (would you fuck me?)) and then asking for her bra size. To me, the answer to the first question shouldn’t matter. Like of course you’re curious, but why does it matter if you’re with someone? And the second, well I’ve always had an issue with my breast size. (Wide hips, big ass, big thighs, small tits, semi flat stomach). At first, the first like 5 minutes tried to defend himself? Then he saw he was legitimately hurt and upset he regretted it and was apologizing like crazy. Both times, once I found out he was apologizing like crazy and crying to me about how he fucked up and regretted it. I’m trying to get over it because honestly, what we have is the best. We have been together for less than a year but the emotions I feel with him, and the way we are with each other, it’s like we’ve been dating for years. And a relationship I had that was for 2 years, I felt absolutely nothing near what I feel with my current. I know this is for MARRIED MEN, but I can’t find anything like what you guys have on here. Everywhere else I look jumps to leaving without considering the emotions and all else. All of you also seem more level-headed. Any comments about the situation are appreciated

  55. during his working hours. Wells Fargo has employee guidelines concerning texting and frowns on the practice during working hours. If I had provided Wells Fargo with the records I have, it may have backfired and my wife could lose her job. Even though she is the one who cheated, I don’t want this to happen. We have two children. One 23 who is in Graduate School at the University of Utah. The other 20, who is expecting her first child. When I saw your video today, it was as if someone was validating what I have been asking all along. Why did this happen, is it over, what was said, etc. Well, this has actually given me the courage to leave.

    I am leaving tomorrow morning. My plan is to drive my truck and trailer down somewhere remote in Southern Utah. I plan to park the trailer, and drive my truck deep into the desert. I plan to hike as far as I can and then do away with my life. I have nothing left to live for. I am 62. My life is over.

  56. Father of 4 boys, married 2o years faithful successful man on paper, found multiple pictures of another man having sex with my wife in my house. The pics were always photoshopped never a clear image. Now I am 46, the love of my life continuously lies that it is not her and tells me I am delusional, I was on Adderall for a period for hives, made me a nutty .
    Although my mind tells me to leave her my heart says stay. I am lost, depressed and very alone.

  57. Ok, I’m struggling. My wife has severe depression and self worth issues. She was sexually assaulted as a girl and it left her seeking male attention for her self worth. She didn’t want herself but other people wanting her made it better. We’ve been together for 7 years and have 3 children together. She fell in to a deep depression a few months ago, and confessed to me that she created a fake email and joined Ashley Madison. She has messaged numerous men, swears nothing physical has happened, just sexting. My question though is am I wrong for blaming this on her mental condition? She has set up an appointment with a counselor to help the self esteem issues, and also been put on antidepressants. I don’t know what to do. Please help!

  58. I am father of two children , nine and six years old boy, i had no idea about her cheating, i loved her, one night a woman came to my place and told me my wife slept with her husband, at first i did not accept that but she shown a pic, i got shocked and tears in my eyes, i asked her why u tell me this? she said i only want to get revenge, for two weeks i was in shock, finally i noticed her, at first she denied it but eventually told me everything,
    i faced too many trouble in my whole life, but it really destroyed me, i cried in front of her, i asked her why, and she was silent and started to cry, we broke up for two month, i gave her and myself to recognize what happened in our life, one week ago she call me and ask me for forgiveness and i don’t know what to do. i cant imagine any intimate time with her,

  59. Good afternoon,

    I’ve been searching and searching for answers on how to forgive my cheating wife. We have been married for almost a year but have been together for almost 8 years. Our relationship has been far from perfect from the start. She was 17 and I was 19 so there was A LOT of infidelity involved. More on her end than mine but I kept forgiving. I will be honest, when I first met her in 2009 I was still in the midst of breaking up with my ex but still slightly involved. While getting to know each other she found out about me still dealing with my ex and she went haywire from there. Sleeping with multiple people, disrespecting me, having me around her partners without me knowing they were having sex and me thinking everything is ok. Once she found out about it I cut off all ties with my ex and proceeded to make my wife happy. Then one after another I started to find out about all these sexual partners and it killed me inside each time. I never got a break. My final straw was when she told me about a guy she had been sleeping with in which I thought we were all friends. At that point I gave up and eventually became wrapped in my own affair. I broke up with my wife because I couldn’t keep on with the affair and knew the relationship with my wife was basically over. I also kept distance from her for months. She moved to Georgia and I stayed in New York. One day she came to me apologizing and begging to make it work so at some point I gave in. A month later we got married and I moved to Georgia. Everything went back downhil her accusing me of still having the affair and me over hearing her talking to her best friend about how lucky I am that she doesn’t cheat on me again because there’s a lot of people that want her. I was disgusted so I fled back to New York. Months later again she begged me but told me something about an affair she had in which I knew nothing about. A whole year relationship behind my back for a year with a so-called friend of mine. I avoided her for another two months. She called and begged again but st that point I was already living in Georgia alone due to a job opportunity and I heard her out attempted to forgive them weeks later I received the call from the other partner. They told me every single dirty detail of the affair and how my wife planned to divorce me so they can be together and how my wife asked him to move into my apartment. Here I am now devastated once again learning that the person was in my home having sex with my wife on my bed and I feel she has no remorse. She’s trying to turn the tables saying it’s because I left but the affair was ongoing while we were both still in New York. She tells me it’s either we’re going to be together or she’s leaving and I’ll never hear from her again. I don’t know what to do. I love her but I feel foolish allowing her back into my life. I feel like a complete idiot for even forgiving her all those times and now for even allowing her to have my attention. I’m crushed.

  60. There is an excluding an element that exists in some marriages. When you confess you sin to your spouse and they choose to abuse, stalk and mentally torment you. I had a one time affair on my husband that I immediately regretted. I did as you recommended and 1) sent the email to the person I was involved with, 2) allowed full access to my personal things from husband, 3) was very remorseful…but he didn’t think it was enough, and 4) disclosed details of the affair. My ex choose to punish me emotionally and physically for three years. He busted my eyes, lips and nose. I was stalked, had guns put to my head and drug. Your article is nice for those spouses who have self control, but it does not address when you confess and your husband abuses you. It’s very hard to show remorse and heal when you are being abused almost on a daily basis. As the cheating person who truly is sorry for their actions, you are already crying out in shame and agony over your terrible decision to commit adultery. But when you add another layer of abuse on top of it. How long do you expect the spouse to prove themselves? Until their dead? Look up cases, so ppl are killed. Address that as well. It’s easy to say wellnthey deserve to die. Well if it were your son or daughter would you want them to be best to dead for a sin they have confessed and repented about.

    I am

  61. My wife cheated on me with a guy from work
    She came out and told me said she couldn’t keep it in any longer it was about 6 months ago and she swore she’s told everything and she definitely feels remorse
    I can’t get it out of my head what can I do to forgive and forget

  62. my wife has been cheating me since last 10 years with her ex boyfriend …and she has admitted shes been sleepingnwith him for more than 20 times….and she even admited she had sex with him when my mom n dad were in another bedroom….she was caught red handed and she is showing a lot of remorse and she says she has been always forced by the guy…and she wants to come back in my life…but i am really confused…we have a 7 year old daughter….please help me …

    1. Jonty,
      Hard to say without knowing a lot more of your situation.
      Usually when someone cheats multiple times it remains a pattern in their life. She didn’t cheat with multiple people though. If you afford couples therapy and you find a therapist believe the person who cheated should take responsibility, then I’d recommend therapy. And of course you’ll find a lot of great into in my book. Her remorse is a good sign – be careful that’s it’s not remorse for getting caught but for betraying you. – Kevin Jackson

  63. My wife cheated on me with an ugly son of a bitch, 10 years younger than herself, for 2 months straight. It became an after work ritual, she did it because it was exciting that she might get caught, and she did when this bottom feeder got bold and started texting her at home. It was painful, the knife twisting in my back. My knee jerk reaction was to pick up and go immediately, I took her to court while everything was fresh and we ended up getting shared custody of our 1 year old daughter. Over the last couple years she’s pleaded with me to come back, she cried for months on end and did everything in her power to convince me. Emotions ran high, but I have to say it was the embarrassment that prevented me from returning. My friends and family would laugh at me, or consider me a cuck for returning to this fucking woman. I love her, I tried dating but always after 2-3 dates I just stop talking… doesn’t matter how beautiful/smart/funny they are, I just don’t want them… I want my wife. I think I can live with that dirty stain on our life, but then there’s trust. I’ll never trust her completely, I’ll never sleep as easy as I once did, but I think that’s the same with any woman from here on out. It’s so easy for them to sleep around, and now I know that. Ugh where am I going with this rant, I just want life the way it was, I’m ready to forgive.

  64. I done drugs and put my wife though some tough shit but she cheated with her ex that she has a kid by that I raised since he was 5 months old she was 17 I was 19 we been together for 21yrs she cheated in 2015 I know she has not done it again cuz hes 800miles away but hes a dead beat dad left her with a kid I stepped in i took her and the baby in 17 yrs later she cheats o. Me with him need answers why do you think she did it he left her at the age of 16 with nothing

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