My Wife Cheated On Me – Question & Answer
NEWS: Want to discover the 7 principles to recovering completely after your wife cheated on you? These principles are the key to your healing – but 99% of men get them wrong or in the wrong order. Find out what they are here in my eBook below:
Hi this is Kevin Jackson.
If you’re saying to yourself, “My wife cheated on me, now what???” well today I’ve got 5 rapid-fire questions and answers for you.
Let’s dive in…
QUESTION FROM A READER
Kevin, I do want to say a hearty thank you for your help through the information you send out. I am continuing to deal (which makes me mad that I even HAVE to..) with my wife’s affair; the images, and how can I now trust her, are at the top of my mental/emotional/spiritual list.
Carry on, my friend, helping us cope with a matter ‘we never truly thought’ would happen.
You touched on an important part of why us guys get so screwed up emotionally when our wife cheats.
And that’s the fact that we didn’t ask for our wife’s affair – but now we have to deal with the gut-wrenching mess she made.
It feels so “unfair.”
And it’s easy to see that it IS unfair.
We did a great job – not a perfect job – but a great job as a husband, we were faithful, we honored our marriage vows, perhaps we were a good father… and now we get rewarded by our wife ripping our heart out.
Now, a lot of guys stay in the “it’s so unfair” stage for months, even years.
You know where it gets them?
So dive in and really feel how unfair it all is… but at some point… we’re going to need to move on.
Otherwise we get stuck… in what I call The Victim Seduction.
The Victim Seduction is the seduction of seeing ourselves as a victim.
It’s a seduction because it’s tempting to see ourselves this way after our wife cheats.
We get to feel self-righteous.
We get to feel “right.”
We get to feel “wronged.”
And this – in a twisted way – can actually feel good.
Don’t get stuck here. It’s no way to live a life.
Eventually you will reach a point where the affair doesn’t define you.
QUESTION FROM A READER
How do you define “deep remorse”?
I talk about “deep remorse” being one of 4 indicators that tell you how much of a chance
you have of saving your marriage.
Deep remorse means your wife feels like shit about having the affair.
Now, in some cases, it’s clear that the wife does have deep remorse.
This is a positive sign, because it means she still cares about the relationship, about your
feelings, and she’s at least somewhat out of the “Fantasy Stage” of the affair.
But in many other cases, the wife DOESN’T have deep remorse.
She may feel a little bad about what she’s done, or not at all.
Either way, it’s not ENOUGH.
And it bugs the HELL out of us.
It indicates that – for the time being, at least – she doesn’t respect our feelings, doesn’t care enough about the marriage, or is still in the Fantasy Stage of the affair.
When a wife doesn’t have deep remorse for breaking her marriage vows, it makes it virtually impossible to be at peace in the relationship.
It’s fairly common for her to be in denial when the affair is still fresh, but if it
continues and continues… it can be a deal breaker.
The emotional “work” of pursuing a relationship with a woman who doesn’t care about the
emotional hell she’s created is almost impossible to get past.
*** By the way, if you want to know the other indicators that will tell you how likely it is
your marriage can be saved, go here:
QUESTION FROM A WOMAN
My name is Shavonna. You have sent me a number of emails about wives that cheat. I just wanted you to know how much I enjoy reading the different stories about all those no good women who treat good men bad.
I feel so sorry for them….
I like the way you put that:
“…stories about all those no good women who treat good men bad.”
Some guys are so messed up after their wife cheats that they lose sight of the fact that their wife cheating is simply a BAD thing.
We’re good guys… and we got treated baaaad.
Simple as that.
Now, I don’t believe that our wives are “no good women.”
That would be an over-generalization.
Our wives aren’t ALL bad. They’ve got some good parts that we love… and some bad parts that can make life hell.
And those bad parts made some decisions – and may be still making decisions – that are bad for us, bad for our family… and just plain bad.
It’s important to remember that no one is “all good” or “all bad.”
None of us were perfect husbands, either. But most of us honored our wedding vows.
Thanks for writing in.
QUESTION FROM A READER
[My wife] tells me about this affair she been having with a co worker… said it was may-july 1988 and only lasted 3 months.
I find that hard to believe.
Well anyway it hit me like a bomb! And even after 20 year’s it still hurts real bad, and I don’t think I handled it the right way cause now she is real defensive and won’t talk no more about it! Which really pisses me off!!!
Yep, hearing the news that our wife has been unfaithful – even if the affair happened YEARS ago – can still make us an emotional wreck and send us into a tornado of pain and anger.
And, to add salt to the wound, our wife may not want to talk about it, admit what she did was wrong, etc.
You touched on something here simple but important:
You said you must have not handled it the right way because now she’s defensive.
When someone cheats and we attack them, make them wrong, etc., how are they going to respond?
Right… they’re going to defend themselves.
We’d probably react the same way.
It takes a certain level of character development when someone is attacking you for doing something wrong, for you to turn the other cheek and say, “Yep, you’re right. I screwed up.”
Many times the woman doesn’t have the self-esteem to do that – so instead she gets defensive.
Here is where you need to do some Mental Jujitsu….
Don’t attack her.
Don’t criticize her.
Just give her some space for 7 days.
Be a great husband for that week – even though you don’t feel like being one after all she’s done.
Giving her space like this will make it easier for her to admit that what she’s done is wrong.
You want HER to come to YOU. Pressuring her to talk about it often backfires.
Of course, if she doesn’t eventually come around you’ll need to approach her. If this is the way things go, have some compassion for her as you’re speaking to her, but also let her know you guys need to talk about it if the two of you are going to make it through this.
QUESTION FROM A READER
I have a question. I caught my wife having an emotional affair with a guy from our daycare. His wife actually caught him and alerted me to it, things got pretty messy, but I stayed. Things seem ok, but I’m paranoid it’s still going on. This was last year it went on, I watch things like a hawk now. They both said they never met, I have reservations about that, we agreed to not discuss it anymore, but it still bothers me! What should I do or can I do? I don’t want to lose my wife.
Got a question for ya:
How does it feel to have to be “paranoid” and to have to “watch things like a hawk” now?
My guess is it would kinda suck.
I don’t think you want to live the rest of your life this way.
In other words – it’s “unsustainable.”
Got another question for ya:
Why not say to your wife:
“Honey, I love you so much, I want to feel close to you, and I know it’s a bit of a pain, but for me to feel better we need to talk again about what happened with the guy from the day care. It’ll help us put it behind us.”
The fact that you said the two of you had agreed not to discuss it anymore seems like a red flag to me.
My gut’s telling me you agreed to not talk about it before you had got all your questions answered… and that’s why it still bothers you to this very day.
And this is a lesson for all of us:
You need to discuss the affair until 100% of your questions have been answered.
Otherwise, as in Ted’s case, a year later you’re still going to have questions.
(This isn’t uncommon, by the way. It can be 12 months, 24 months, or even longer after an affair happens that discussions like these take place. It depends largely on how much communication you have, not how much time passes.)
It’d be great if your wife understood how “crazy making” affairs are… and that if you have unanswered questions, she can play a huge part in relieving your stress and doubt.
If she doesn’t understand this, or doesn’t care… could it be that she’s wearing the pants in the marriage?
Could it be she knows she can control you, that you’re not going anywhere, and so she doesn’t have to give you any more info than she feels like?
That’s one guess.
I want you to save your marriage, but not at the expense of your self-respect.
Ask for what you need. If she doesn’t give it to you, start creating a life where more and more of your needs are met outside the marriage.
I call this “You – Round Two.” It’s a new version of yourself – or at least bringing back the things in your life that used to bring you joy, besides your wife.
I’m not necessarily saying start dating other women –
I’m saying make a life for yourself where your needs are met… especially when your wife isn’t willing to meet them.
And If You’re Reading This Right Now…
…and you’re thinking, “Ok, my wife cheated. I love her, and I’m a mess. I want to save my marriage. I want to feel better. I want to protect my kids. I don’t want to end up alone. What do I do?” then you’re in the right place.
As you can see, I have guys like you coming to my website and asking me for advice just about every day.
Because it’s not obvious what us men need to do when our whole world gets shattered by the news that our wife has been unfaithful.
That’s why I wrote the first and only eBook available anywhere that is specifically for men who have a wife who cheated.
I know where you’re at.
Hell, I’ve been through it, personally.
I’ve come through the other side – and I want to show you how you can too.
How many therapists or experts out there have first-hand, real-world experience of affairs in their own personal lives?
When you read my in-the-trenches, simple-to-understand eBook you’ll learn:
- How to not lose your wife
- How to save your marriage
- How to get rid of the images in your mind
- How to protect your kids
- How to stop getting emotionally abused by your wife
- How to get your confidence back
- How to stop going crazy
- How to start sleeping well again
- and much more…
What you’ll find inside my eBook (it’s called Survive Her Affair, by the way) is a ton of practical, easy-to-use advice to speed up your healing process, get relief from the pain, start feeling better, and begin making damn smart decisions from this day forward.
“I MADE MY WIFE READ YOUR BOOK AS WELL…”
Here’s what one reader said,
“I want to thank you for your book. I just found out 3 days ago that my wife of 14 years has had 4 affairs. The first one was 2 years into our marriage, the most recent being 1 month ago… The pain is unreal. I couldn’t figure out how to deal with it and I looked online and found your book. I appreciate the fact that you are not a psychologist, but someone who has been through the pain I am feeling now.
I made my wife read your book as well, and told her you are describing my feelings almost verbatum…. This has been so difficult, as I realized I don’t have any close friends I can speak about this to. My wife has always been the one I’ve gone to, to help me deal with things. It was nice to know I am not the only one who is going through this. Once again, I sincerely Thank You.” -JB
I personally stand behind my eBook so it comes with a simple guarantee:
If you’re unsatisfied in any way, I insist you email me and I’ll refund every last penny… and we can still be friends.
You have nothing to lose.
Go here now to check it out:
Help is on the way,
PS: You could be reading the book in just minutes from now, learning new ways of handling the situation with your wife.
Is what you’re doing now working for you?
If it isn’t, try my eBook at my risk:
Kevin Jackson is an internationally recognized infidelity expert who has helped thousands of men recover after their wife had an affair. He’s been featured in popular news outlets such as The Huffington Post and Bloomberg Businessweek, and he is the creator of a proven 4-step approach that gives men the “blueprint” to successfully heal from infidelity. If your wife cheated on you and you want to recover as quickly as possible, grab his free report “7 Big Mistakes Men Make After Women Cheat” or his powerful eBook system “Survive Her Affair.”