Why Do Women Cheat? Here Are 7 Reasons

 

By Kevin Jackson, Author of Survive Her Affair

Through my own research and experience helping thousands of men over the past 6 years recover from getting cheated on, I’ve identified 7 of the most common reasons women cheat.

And I want to share them with you here for a simple reason:

When men (and women for that matter) get cheated on, one of the most burning questions we have is “why – why – WHY????”  And for good reason – the better we can understand the reasons for the cheating, the more quickly our mind will rest from the constant obsessing and analyzing that 99% of men experience.

Getting some degree of “closure” on what lead to the affair helps us make sense of what happened – and makes it less likely it’ll ever happen again (thank God).

There Are Multiple Factors To Look At…

Let’s say you’re having an argument with your wife about you leaving the toilet seat up. If she asks why you keep leaving the seat up, your brain will quickly come up with a single reason.

“Because it was the middle of the night.”

“Because I didn’t know it was important to you.”

“Because I’m a man and that’s what men do for Pete’s sake!”

But the fact is we do most of the things we do for MULTIPLE reasons.

In the example above, maybe it was partly due to it being late… and partly not realizing what it meant to your wife to leave the seat up.

In the same way, it’s likely that a number of factors contributed to your wife’s affair. Learning what they all are helps you put the puzzle pieces together.

The Reasons Don’t Let Her Off The Hook (Here’s Why…)

Investigating the reasons for her affair doesn’t “excuse away” what happened. It just helps you understand the factors leading up to it.

And while there may be many reasons we can point to for your wife’s affair… in the end it really boils down to one thing:

She had an affair because she chose to.

Humans have free will and can choose to do things that hurt other people. That’s part of how free will works. If we weren’t free to hurt others… well, we wouldn’t be free.

But we have to go beyond the simple “choice” of her affair if we want to deepen our understanding of what happened – and get a better picture of what makes our wife tick.

When we do we’ll know the feelings that influenced her – but didn’t force her – to make such an awful choice.

Here we go…

7 Reasons Women Cheat

1. Positive mirroring is a psychological term to describe what happens at the beginning of a relationship when both parties see nothing but the positive in each other. The other man often reflects back a positive image of the wife through compliments and by telling her what she wants to hear. Positive mirroring typically drops off in a long-term relationship. So to “cheat proof” your marriage (if you stay together) remember to take some time to be a positive mirror. Make the effort to point out something you like, admire or appreciate about her on a regular basis.

2. Unmet emotional needs, according to researchers, are a stronger motivational factor for women who cheat than for men. If she makes an emotional connection with another man, AND she’s unhappy in her marriage with you, she’s ripe for an affair. Topping women’s emotional needs is the need to be appreciated. Again, the solution is to make your wife feel appreciated. If you don’t know how to do this, simply ask her and have a conversation about how to better meet her emotional needs. (Talk about what needs you have that you want her to meet too.)

3. “The Good Husband Trap” refers to men who try too hard to keep their wives happy. Super common – in fact I did this myself. This is a counter-intuitive concept, but trying too hard in the marriage can spoil your wife… and in some cases make an affair more likely. Instead, cultivate a give-and-take relationship where each partner is on equal footing, rather than a lop-sided relationship.

4. Trading status for approval is when a man continually caves into his wife’s demands in order to win her approval. Rather than standing up for himself in an argument, for example, he always lets her have her way. This ultimately results in the wife having higher status in the relationship, and ironically, it tends to lead to her losing sexual attraction for the husband. Respect is an essential component for sexual attraction. Women tend to lose attraction for men they see as below them or emotionally submissive.

5. Unrealistic expectations of marriage can lead to women longing for a fairy-tale version of marriage. In turn, the wife who has an affair will blame her own bad behavior on her husband for failing to live up to her unrealistic expectations. Crazy but true.

6. Boundaries are agreed-upon rules of marriage about what is OK for you and your wife to do. It’s important to discuss and to mutually establish rules related to social media, eating and drinking in mixed company, work trips and talking to members of the opposite sex. Very few couples do this before and affair happens.

7. Sexual connection and fulfillment do factor into affairs, although for women emotional reasons tend to predominate. The lesson, of course, is to make your wife’s sexual pleasure a priority. Make sure she’s happy and listen for any unmet needs she might have.

Again, these factors can help you understand what led to the affair – but ultimately your wife chose to have an affair. She’s responsible for her behavior.

Your Next Step…

Understanding why our wife betrayed us is an important step – but there’s more. A lot more…

In my experience of helping thousands of men over the past 6 years survive infidelity, I’ve identified 7 common mistakes most guys make when dealing with an affair.

These mistakes make our situation even WORSE than it needs to be. Avoiding them is critical to speeding up our healing process. (And I know you want to get out of the pain asap.)

So I put together a free guide for you called “The 7 Biggest Mistakes Men Make When Our Wife Cheats.”

It’ll get you on the path to getting your life back to normal as quickly as possible.

Thousands of men have downloaded this guide. It’s helped them and I believe it can help you. Just click the red button below and enter your email:

Talk soon.

– Kevin Jackson, Author of Survive Her Affair

“I read your 7 mistakes. I just wanted to thank you for putting that on the internet. I feel better and I know I have a roller coaster ride though hell. I know I will be stronger once I pass hell and turn into a stronger person. Thank you again. You are a good man to help people after what you went through.” – Bill, Australia

8 thoughts on “Why Do Women Cheat? Here Are 7 Reasons

  1. Old wounds heal hard. My words are healing me.
    Here’s my story, revealing deeper levels each time I revisit it.

    “My wife joined a writer’s group which met regularly at different member’s homes. One month it was my wife’s turn to host the writer’s group, so I volunteered to take care of serving the guests. I had been mixing drinks in the kitchen, emerged and paused, momentarily standing in the doorway, listening for a natural break in the meeting. I had not heard the beginning of the discussion that was underway, and I perked up my ears to assist me in picking up the thread of the conversation as I paused at the threshold, ready to serve a tray of cocktails.

    As I entered the room, one of the several loudmouth beatnik women in this writer’s group, the one whose voice was always pitched about an octave over the top of the conversation, was looking at my wife and saying (playfully) to her, “Oh, what would your boyfriend think!”… {At that point I flinch, and think to myself, “What the hell! What is that chick going on about?}

    My wife leapt to her feet, and turned on a big overhead swamp cooler that drowned out everyone’s voices. A couple of the writers asked her to turn it off, because it was so loud. I walked in on this pause and served several drinks to the assembled thirteen writers. I turned off the cooler as I exited, after perplexed eye contact with my wife, which I smoothed over by pointing to the cooler visually and her signally her OK to, ‘hit the off switch’. Off goes the offending loud swamp cooler, everyone’s relieved, now that they can actually hear each other over the din. The room remains silent for pregnant pause as I return to my station of duty, the butler’s stool at the bar next to the kitchen.

    After touching my palm, as usual, to the door frame at the kitchen, I gingerly placed myself at rest at the bar, between the kitchen and the drawing room, and resumed watching the proceedings, arms akimbo, thumbs tucked into the front loops of my 501 jeans. I scanned the room carefully, after the blow of the initial glance, and listened attentively. The room remained quiet, except for a bit of nervous laughter and barely audible ‘soto vocces’ as I had walked back to my perch, ready to serve food or drink for all who request it. Suddenly, the whole room stopped, and all eyes were on me…

    Time stood still, and I had the uncomfortable sensation that everyone there knew something that I didn’t know. I saw in the facemasks of this pack of sophisticates a startled look…surprise, bemusement, veiled contempt, and some measure of pity.

    They all now had to cover for her, and they recovered smartly and renewed the book conversation briskly.

    I suddenly felt sick to my stomach and felt like I needed air. I walked out the back door and walked through the arroyo in the desert for hours.

    I finally decided that I was puffing up dragons in my mind, and that I had misinterpreted a chance remark, said in jest. My mind overrode my heart, but my first instinct was correct. She was having an affair.
    I was kindly informed by one of my university instructors, who knew a lot of the members of the Writer’s Club.

    I went postal, shouted and pounded tables, and asked for a divorce. My wife fled our home and went to a friend’s to take refuge. She said she needed “some time alone to sort things out”. Of course, she was still sleeping with her boyfriend three times a week. When she ran out of houses of vacationing friends to stay at, she moved in with the writer. I don’t really think he wanted a live-in girlfriend. Of course, her high-end boyfriend got tired of her after a few months, and kicked her out to go live with her parents. That was some consolation to me. I think that he got off on the taboo aspect of it. He didn’t want a roommate. Ruined lives and ruined love…that’s part of that man’s legacy.

    My poor little heart was shattered. She seemed to look lost when I saw her. I went into a full-scale depressive episode for months. If had kept guns in my house in those days, I’m certain that I’d be dead. I would be the tragic twenty-seven year old self-inflicted gunshot wound character. How romantic! Thank God, I did not have access to guns at that time.

    If had just played along, I might have been able to keep her. She liked our comfortable, dependable domestic life, but that wild Irish girl also wanted some excitement and variety in her life. I did not cooperate with that scheme, and the whole thing blew up. I have learned that I am essentially morally imprinted like my aristocratic Episcopalian Christian grandmother, Eugenia. I’m not temperamentally a bohemian, although I speak the language. I live like a Christian, not as a bohemian. My mother was at home in the bohemian world, and my ex-wife has made her life in that milieu.

    In retrospect, I can see that we would have eventually parted ways, given how fundamentally different our aspirations and chosen life-paths. I just wish that we could have done that consciously, talking it through, rather than ending in an unsavory affair that caused great heartache for me. I have often thought that my heart might finally be healed if she were to express remorse for the affair that ended our marriage. That would really make me feel better. It would make it easier for me to forgive. I starting to get old now, and I don’t want to live with all that dead past framing my present. Through my own inner work, I am releasing the deep reservoir of grief that I have held around this event for decades.

    She has steadfastly refused to meet with me for thirty-five years. I used to try sending an annual card for Christmas; I have drunk-written half-a-dozen impassioned long-hand letters on rose stationery pleading for a meeting; sent anonymous gifts of her favorite incense on her birthday (which was a coded signal for the source). I once called her number from the phone book and started chatting away when I got to the airport for a visit to my relatives, and the frost enveloping the payphone line made it pretty clear that she wanted to end that call quickly.

    I’ve never seen her in all the years I go back to my home town. I feel sad about that. It feels like I’m being punished. Like, “wait a minute, it was her affair that ended the marriage, why am I begging for an hour of her time?” It doesn’t seem fair, and doesn’t seem to square up with all the great work she does out in the world. I want to think that she’s a wise enough person to see that a genuine reconciliation would help her grow old with more grace. I’ve been wondering about that for years.

    Now, what has really bugged me for years, is that she would visit my mother (RIP, bless her) every quarter or so. They always got along famously. They’re a lot alike, in some ways. My mother was so scrupulous about keeping confidences, that she never reported any detail beyond the fact that they had met recently. That’s enough to drive a man mad!

    She ended up being far more adventurous that I’d ever imagined. She’s travelled all over the world, lived abroad for years at a time, has written widely and well and moves in the upper circles of the Southwestern literary scene. More power to her. Her CV is impressive. I would like to have lunch with her and catch up on our lives. Why is that so hard?

  2. Postscript to this previous entry. After she agreed to an exchange of letters, since she was not comfortable talking on the phone or communicating on-line, I responded with a 46 page memoir of our life together for seven years of marriage. No response. After about a month, I finally broke down and left a voicemail message, because I was wondering if she had in fact received my letter. Two days later, my epic memoir was met with a two sentence put-down: “This is closure. Do not write, call or attempt to contact me again.” So, given the chance to redeem herself, she chose to add insult to injury. She is not the woman that I thought she was. That should make me feel better, but it just has added a fresh layer of pain. There will be no healing from her quarter. Guys, I don’t want to discourage you, but getting cuckolded is a wound to your heart that you will take to your grave. Girls, don’t do it! You have no idea of how much suffering your actions will cause.

  3. I’m new to this life event and new to this site. Brother, you just broke my heart. I’ve read tons on this site lately, yet, your story really pulled at my heart strings. I think what shocks us guys so much, is the realization (learning) of what a terrible shitty human being we love(d). My wife said and did EVERY terrible thing to me possible. The wrongest thing a cheating wife can say and do after being caught, was said andd done to me. I’m like… “who the f ARE you? You remarkable piece of sh*t?”

  4. Menfolk! I hope you can take some responsibility for the dynamics that lead to your wives affairs. This does not dismiss her actions, but wallowing here in self-pity never worked for anyone. to remain in bitterness and not heal is the saddest thing ever. you can forgive her and forgive yourself, so that you can go on and take a chance on love again. if your wife was a good person at all, she learned and grew from the experience. I know I have. I have deep regrets about my choices. Not that we will move on from this marriage but how it happened. you deserve to live and she may deserve to be forgiven. we all have lessons to learn so go on and learn them already! what allowed you there? where was this relationship not working? let go and a new story will emerge, I promise you. let go let go, let love rule……and courage, lots of courage.

  5. I have been married for 28 years. Just two weeks ago I saw my wife looking at her phone a lot. Then she went to walk the dog and I picked up her phone and saw the text. It was under the name of Patty but the discussion was more of a sexual nature.
    I’m like what is my wife talking to a woman for? So I went to the bathroom and locked the door. I continued to read the chats.. Oh honey you know how much I enjoy seeing you at work, and we only did I three times. Then the other chat would say, oh it’s going slow, : What’s slow honey? sex.. Oh you know I wish we could do it..
    Then the wife picked the lock on the door and came in. I confronted her as she tried to take the phone away from me.. I asked her when the last time was that she slept with him, she said 3 years… then later I pressed her and she said a year and half ago..
    I was able to get into her gmail account and found the name of this man in her sent file. (I am an IT guy) then I looked him up on face book.. they had got a hotel on three separate occasions and she called in sick… and went and slept with him.

    I had to work the next morning (overtime) I tossed and turned all night long in the bed next to her… she leaned over to feel the tears on my face.. I had to get up at 4:30am the next morning.. I finally went to bed at 3am (Nyquil = ambien)
    after work I went to a bar with a friend from work – who was also having wife issues.
    He started buying the beers.. I had been sober for 8 months.. closer to God..
    now all the stuff was coming out.. I was in a bar crying.. half drunk..
    So I called my other friend and we took out my boat and got more beer and really had a good time.. stayed out until 11pm on the lake..
    As a heart bypass 5 viens.. 4 years later.. it took a toll on my body,, all of this..
    My wife showed genuine remorse ..but to this day.. I still want to check her gmail, check her frequent phone contacts.. She was the love of my life.. how could she do this.. she said she sent an email to this guy saying its over I cant see you anymore.. my husband knows.. I have been taught to forgive from the scriptures…
    I want to find this guy and beat him to a pulp but I know it was my wife who didn’t say no.. I have two beautiful children 17 and 21 who would be crushed.. I am too old for this Sh**
    She still wants to stay together and is chatting with me at work more than over..
    I still don’t trust her.,. how long with it take and what should I do?

  6. my kids well they are 35 and 32 now dont understand why i havnt forgiven there mother who destroyed my life,the reason is simple to me the woman has NEVER said sorry for doing it, the longer it goes on the hurt and hate just doesnt move.

  7. I was divorced in 2014 three days after I moved out of the house her boyfriend moved in I am sure they were sleeping together long before the divorce I know this because she was sleeping with me before her second divorce. I was told that after one year I could not revisit the divorce. the attorney I had was the worst he could have been repressing me.He never made sure I received my share of selling of the house that sold for $215,000 dollars I received my half of the sale,instead I got $50,000 on a house that sold for $215,000 all he ever did was let her attorney decide everything he was informed she was cheating on me but that did not matter not to him. My ex recently got remarried I have been supporting them both for almost five years. I think that since she married I should not have to support them it not the least bit fair.any help or advice would be greatly appreciated THANK YOU

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