In this blog post I share with you 4 mission-critical things you need to do to heal your marriage after your wife’s infidelity. These can make the difference between heading to your second honeymoon… or heading to divorce court.
Step 1: Create Initial Trust
The first step is to create some initial trust. Think of this as baby steps after trust has been blown to high heaven.
First, have your wife send a message to the other guy telling him not to contact her in any way. In order to be certain this actually happens (instead of her just telling you she did it), you should personally WITNESS the message being sent. I’ve talked to too many guys who thought their wife had cut things off only to find out later the affair continued behind their back.
Second, confidently ask for full access to your wife’s telephone, e-mail, and online accounts such as Facebook. This will prevent the affair from continuing by removing the possibility of a secretive relationship.
Third, your wife needs to “disclose” anything that happened in the affair that you want to know about. You need to ask her any questions you have about the affair and she must answer honestly. If she doesn’t, it’s a bad sign for the health of your marriage.
(See my book Survive Her Affair for much more detail).
Step 2: Establish Boundaries
Establishing boundaries means deciding what is OK in your marriage and what isn’t. For example, what is OK on social media? Is it alright for your wife to have lunch with a male coworker or a drink after work? Is it OK to drink in mixed company on a work trip? Or for your wife to talk with other men about problems in your marriage?
Together, you need to decide what is cool in your marriage and agree to stick to established boundaries. If she isn’t willing to agree to your boundaries – particularly after she’s cheated – that’s a huge red flag.
Step 3: Reestablish the Emotional Connection
Many men think affairs are just about sex, but research shows that marriage satisfaction plays a role.
The reality is that some women (and men too) have unrealistic expectations of marriage. Women are raised to expect to meet Prince Charming, have a White Wedding and live happily ever after. When marriage fails to meet those crazy expectations, some women look outside the marriage for the romance and emotional fulfillment they desire. That’s when things can turn physical.
In order to meet her emotional needs, first learn to speak her love language. You can learn more about this topic by reading Gary Chapman’s book, “The 5 Love Languages.” Simply put, we all have a certain “language” that when spoken to us makes us feel loved. Some people need words, some need touch, some need gifts, some need time together, etc. You need to find out what your wife’s love language is and “speak” it to her. Perhaps it’s telling her you love her, perhaps it’s giving a big hug when she walks in the door, or maybe a dozen red roses for no reason at all.
It is also important to make sure your wife feels appreciated. Find things that you genuinely appreciate about what she does – and more importantly the PERSON she is – and communicate it to her. But don’t go overboard. You only want to reward good behavior – so if she’s acting badly after her affair, wait for a moment when you see her do something good… and then share your positive thoughts about her.
Step 4: Reestablish the Sexual Connection
Reestablish the sexual connection if it’s broken is a big part of healing the marriage. Both you and your wife need to communicate what your needs are and you two can do to improve your sex life. If you can’t have honest conversations about sex, it will be very difficult to know what each of you wants in order to be sexually satisfied. If talking about it feels awkward or difficult, just be honest and let her know you want to make her happy.
After that initial conversation, work on keeping your love life fresh. Avoid getting into a “sexual rut” – it’s the kiss of death to hot, passionate sex.
If there are physiological issues, such as erectile dysfunction, address them by speaking to a doctor about your options.
Working on these four factors will give you a big headstart in healing your marriage. But it’s just the tip of the iceberg.
For more tips, go download my free report “7 Big Mistakes Men Make After Women Cheat.” Click below:
Kevin Jackson has helped thousands of men recover after their wife committed infidelity. He is an internationally recognized relationship coach and a best-selling author who has been featured on the radio as well as online news outlets such as The Huffington Post. If your wife has cheated on you and you want to recover as quickly as possible from her affair, go grab his free report above. Then get his eBook Survive Her Affair.