4 Steps To Heal Your Marriage After Infidelity


In this blog post I share with you 4 mission-critical things you need to do to heal your marriage after your wife’s infidelity. These can make the difference between heading to your second honeymoon… or heading to divorce court.

Step 1: Create Initial Trust

The first step is to create some initial trust. Think of this as baby steps after trust has been blown to high heaven.

First, have your wife send a message to the other guy telling him not to contact her in any way. In order to be certain this actually happens (instead of her just telling you she did it), you should personally WITNESS the message being sent. I’ve talked to too many guys who thought their wife had cut things off only to find out later the affair continued behind their back.

Second, confidently ask for full access to your wife’s telephone, e-mail, and online accounts such as Facebook. This will prevent the affair from continuing by removing the possibility of a secretive relationship.

Third, your wife needs to “disclose” anything that happened in the affair that you want to know about. You need to ask her any questions you have about the affair and she must answer honestly. If she doesn’t, it’s a bad sign for the health of your marriage.

(See my book Survive Her Affair for much more detail).

Step 2: Establish Boundaries

Establishing boundaries means deciding what is OK in your marriage and what isn’t. For example, what is OK on social media? Is it alright for your wife to have lunch with a male coworker or a drink after work? Is it OK to drink in mixed company on a work trip? Or for your wife to talk with other men about problems in your marriage?

Together, you need to decide what is cool in your marriage and agree to stick to established boundaries. If she isn’t willing to agree to your boundaries – particularly after she’s cheated – that’s a huge red flag.

Step 3: Reestablish the Emotional Connection

Many men think affairs are just about sex, but research shows that marriage satisfaction plays a role.

The reality is that some women (and men too) have unrealistic expectations of marriage. Women are raised to expect to meet Prince Charming, have a White Wedding and live happily ever after. When marriage fails to meet those crazy expectations, some women look outside the marriage for the romance and emotional fulfillment they desire. That’s when things can turn physical.

In order to meet her emotional needs, first learn to speak her love language. You can learn more about this topic by reading Gary Chapman’s book, “The 5 Love Languages.” Simply put, we all have a certain “language” that when spoken to us makes us feel loved. Some people need words, some need touch, some need gifts, some need time together, etc. You need to find out what your wife’s love language is and “speak” it to her. Perhaps it’s telling her you love her, perhaps it’s giving a big hug when she walks in the door, or maybe a dozen red roses for no reason at all.

It is also important to make sure your wife feels appreciated. Find things that you genuinely appreciate about what she does – and more importantly the PERSON she is – and communicate it to her. But don’t go overboard. You only want to reward good behavior – so if she’s acting badly after her affair, wait for a moment when you see her do something good… and then share your positive thoughts about her.

Step 4: Reestablish the Sexual Connection

Reestablish the sexual connection if it’s broken is a big part of healing the marriage. Both you and your wife need to communicate what your needs are and you two can do to improve your sex life. If you can’t have honest conversations about sex, it will be very difficult to know what each of you wants in order to be sexually satisfied. If talking about it feels awkward or difficult, just be honest and let her know you want to make her happy.

After that initial conversation, work on keeping your love life fresh. Avoid getting into a “sexual rut” – it’s the kiss of death to hot, passionate sex.

If there are physiological issues, such as erectile dysfunction, address them by speaking to a doctor about your options.

Working on these four factors will give you a big headstart in healing your marriage. But it’s just the tip of the iceberg.

For more tips, go download my free report “7 Big Mistakes Men Make After Women Cheat.” Click below:

Kevin Jackson has helped thousands of men recover after their wife committed infidelity. He is an internationally recognized relationship coach and a best-selling author who has been featured on the radio as well as online news outlets such as The Huffington Post. If your wife has cheated on you and you want to recover as quickly as possible from her affair, go grab his free report above. Then get his eBook Survive Her Affair.

4 thoughts on “4 Steps To Heal Your Marriage After Infidelity

  1. The New Facts of Life in the 21st Century:
    Women Cheat Just as Much as Men

    When I was growing up in the 1950’s and into the 1960’s, there were very strong cultural norms about the sexual practices of men and women. I have had to do a lot of psychological work to unlearn the myths that I was taught about women’s sexual behavior, under the pain of betrayal by my first wife. Men were permitted to brag about their sexual exploits, and it was commonly accepted that men were the main source of infidelity in marriage. Of course, there have been cheating women all the way back in the Bible, as in the story of Potophar’s wife, who tried to seduce young Joseph when he was a servant in Mr. Potiphar’s villa. But female infidelity was (or so we thought then) rare and considered exceptionally scandalous.

    Women did not talk about sex (in public) and every effort was made to appear to the world as a “good girl”. It was assumed that women were more interested in relationships and emotions, while men were driven by base sexual impulses. Sex was something that women put up with in order to maintain relationships. Men were horny creatures that need to be constrained in their sexual appetites, while the role of a good woman was to fend off male sexual advances until she got a wedding ring on her hand. That was the world I was raised in. Everybody knew that’s how the world was.

    Of course, real life went on under this façade. Furtive matings in hotel rooms, men taking off their wedding rings when they went out of town to a conference, the rich woman who enjoyed a “special relationship” with a younger single man (which only came to life when husband left on a business trip), horny young girls just now feeling their new hormones, and the legions of young boys who stood ready to help them satisfy their curiosity about their budding bodies.
    That was all part of the cultural lore back in the day, but it was always reported (publicly, anyway) in the context of the patriarchal frame story. Adultery was an automatic divorceable offense. Getting young girls in “trouble” was a highly sanctioned social activity. The morality play provided the context for the discourse on sex.

    Believe it or not, I was in college before I learned that girls like to pleasure themselves, a lot. We assumed that that was just a guy thing, but we would not discuss it among the other guys. It was a taboo topic. It has taken me decades to get sex-wise. Too bad I didn’t have this consciousness when I was young and beautiful, with a nice firm body! I’m a good-looking guy with a trim body and a gift for eloquent speech. I could have cleaned up at the dating game, but I was too spiritual and intellectual to even consider going down that road. I married my high school sweetheart, and never really did any dating or had that many female acquaintances. Guys that grew up with sisters seem to have a better idea about just how horny they are. I grew up with one brother, raised by a single mother, so my knowledge of the female psyche and feminine sexuality were very limited. The learning curve has been long and often painful, but I now can track the flow of sexual energy in a room and gauge the level of sexual interest in me fairly accurately.

    One of the ways that I’ve been able to maintain 100% sexual fidelity in my marriage of twenty-five years is to know when a situation turns into what Catholic school catechism calls “an occasion for sin”. I love to go to rock concerts and get high and dance all night, and I have had plenty of opportunities to stray. When I’m ecstatically high after a show, I can be very friendly and charming, and dig on the natural beauty of a girl that I’m chatting up. I have had the experience a half a dozen times where I suddenly: “Man, this chick is really into me. If I bent over and kissed her on the lips, I could have her clothes off in five minutes. I gotta get out of here!” And then I’ll split, before I get in trouble. I’ve had two hippy girls jump into my cab with me, after telling them that I was staying by myself at a nearby hotel, and volunteer to give me an experience I’ve never had in this life, two girls at one time. I have to admit that I gave the matter a moment’s decision, before telling them, as good as that offer sounds, my wife would definitely disapprove, so I’m not your guy for tonight.

    I have to plan ahead so that I don’t get into potentially compromising situations. Now that I’m an older man, I actually hold the belief that my good fortune in keeping my looks and my body intact would vanish overnight, were I to commit the sin of infidelity. My face would age overnight, like the curse in the Portrait of Dorian Gray, and my luster would dim for the rest of my life. That’s my motivator to be good.

  2. My wife and I were both in the military for a long time. Many years ago she was sent to recruiting school at fort Jackson. She had only ever been TDY for a school one other time and that was when we met. She acted very distant while she was in school. She didn’t cond home got thanksgiving. She went out partying several times. This was against my objections. This was in response to the tines I had been TDY and forbidden to even leave the barracks. I attended drill sergeant school immediately after she returned from recruiting school(I say immediate but it was actually about 2/12 weeks).
    I slept in a room directly adjacent to where her room was. She had claimed (only late at night) that the room she was in had no cell reception but, I discovered thst was a lie as soon as I arrived. One of several nights coned to mind, we had argued about get partying and she went out. I was still up at midnight and knew she was also. Do, I decided to talk to her about them problem. I calked 6 times over the course of 30 dig minutes. Then about 0100 she called back sounding wide awake. She said she had just woken up and noticed her phone was showing missed calls. Whike I was calling the phone eventually was turned off because it stopped ringing snd went straight yo voice mail. You kniw what your significant other sounds like when they wake up and she is a huge bitch when gets woken up at night (fir ant reason).
    I believe she was fucking done other guy and my phone calls were interrupting them.

    1. There are additional points of interest that I didn’t write. I did confront her she denied it. She has since disclosed a few years ago a huge lie she had been keeping since we met . We have been together for 9 years married for 8. The suspected infidelity was during the end of year 2. Of our marraige. I do not suspect anything since.
      I want to know what happened! I’ve been setting on this for years and now I’ve had enough. How do I get her to confess? Please advise!!

      1. Yo my advice is to install a spy app on her phone.. I don’t think u will get her to admit anything without catching her.. I’m sure others will say it’s a invasion of privacy but screw that.. It’s the world we live in.. If u find nothing after month or so Uninstall the software but women can keep secrets and go on with life like u wouldn’t believe from wat I’ve learned.. Maybe someone else can give u better advice but this is what worked for many others and wished I knew of technology and I wouldn’t be dealing with my wife’s infidelity right now.. I would have caught it instead of believing her lies. Trust me my marriage was great as far as our relationship.. We got along awesome and the never seen this coming.. Not in a million years.. I waited 15years to get married to be sure she was the one.. I still think she is just made a mistake but if I had monitored her phone I would have seen the homewrecker moving in.. Good luck my friend and keep us updated

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